Shame talk vs. Guilt talk

Two weeks ago I listened to a book by Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting.  Yes, I reference her often.

She gave examples of times she tried to teach her children by word but they caught her teaching differently by example.  In recognizing this, she would address it with her kids. 

I've tried to implement some of what I heard, even though my kids are small, or maybe Because they are small.

I know that I am imperfect, but why do I think my parenting should be perfect?

One thing that I have noticed about my responses to my children's errors is they are based in shame.  It doesn't even have to be what I say, usually "Sofia!" or "Lilly!"  But the weight of the shame I spread on those names is palpable.  When I realized it I decided that I could say something more like, "Uh-oh, could you keep the food on the table?"  Or "This is something we would need to clean up right away please."  My mom has always told me to teach with positive phrasing, I just barely am grasping that concept though.

Well, I decided to change it, but boy is that hard.  Right now I'm onto "SOFia...!" Backtrack..."Uh-oh. will you please not draw there?"  So it's coming as a tag-a-long to my original, less shame sounding, response. 

The fact of the matter is that we are all learning.  I do not have to shame myself for not knowing how to do something.  Rather, I can recognize that results aren't what I would like them to be and research.  As I implement and learn, I cannot walk away because I'm not perfect at it yet.  To finish I want to leave you with a meme that I saw, simple but profound.

Source

Con mucho amor,

Anna K. Morales

Triggers

Meditation is a practice ground for the real world.  It is a tool that you use to begin to know your mind and your being in all senses.  In doing so you practice patience and love toward whoever your being is.  This is the guide/training ground for how you would like to handle your triggers.

Triggers are those things that easily beset you.  Today I would like to tell you what some of my triggers are and possibly embarrass myself.  But vulnerability leads to better understanding and courage.

******SIGH******

Deep Breath, let it out.  Breathe in, 1. Breathe out, 2.  I have discovered that I am anxious because I want to be in control of my life.  Completely.  But who learns to swim with one foot still on the ground?

Areas in my life that easily beset me are finding babysitters for my children, being late, and not having a successful bedtime regimen.  These may sound silly but they are also all intertwined.  If we don't sleep well at night, I'm late getting up which then explodes in massive domino effect.  So then if something goes awry with, let's say, babysitting, I am left with basically two seconds to figure it out.  Nigh impossible.

These stressors cause so much havoc in my life.  I work for various reasons.  It gives me time to think and act like a grown up without children, gives them a chance to see that other people may or may not also be crazy, it currently is helping me pay off debt, and it allows opportunity for me to grow as a creative outlet.  However, it nearly undoes me to feel that my efforts are for not. 

As I've meditated I've come to realize that those are my triggers and are the moments that I lose any sense of reason.  I yell, cry, sob, because I am angry that I have lost control of something that wasn't really mine to control in the first place - like other peoples lives/time.  But then, almost as instantly as my tantrum begins, it turns into a tantrum based in shame.  I am deeply ashamed that I do not control myself, my emotions, and my reactions to bedtime, being late, and child care.  And because shame is not a motivator as guilt could be, I spiral into raging fits of belittling myself and/or my children. 

Brene Brown teaches that shame says, You aren't worthy. You aren't good enough. You aren't, you aren't, you aren't.  While guilt says, Oh, I made a mistake or a bad decision.  I am going to fix it.

Do you see that?  Not only does the motivation change, but the speaker.  It went from Second person to first person.  So rather than listen to someone else dictate my thought process while triggers are pulled, I am learning through meditation to call the shots.  Today was a success.

For several reasons, all three of my triggers were pulled. In the middle of my panic attack, I was able to kindly redirect myself.  Usually automatic thoughts come flying from my mouth or just permeate my body until all sense or kindness leaves me.  Today, I said, "We are ok.  We can be a little late.  We have babysitting figured out.  Heavenly Father showed us He provides. We are ok."  Sofia noticed right away that I was creating a difference and she said it with me, We are ok.

It wasn't the cleanest or gentlest redirect but I did it!

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales

The Radio is Always ON

I learned a new term today, mind chatter.  It has been stirring in my mind since I left my therapy session.  We were talking about getting out of the worry rut, acting once we recognize the possibility of falling into a sink hole.  I asked, "So what do you do when you go out to, say, exercise?  How do you keep the thoughts at bay?  I could be teaching a new choreography and spouting out instruction all the while having a back conversation in my mind."

This my friends, is called mind chatter, or like a radio is on 24/7.  So the problem is that I have been paying a lot of attention to the voices of the radio lately.  Lately?  Maybe I've become more and more attentive as years have passed.  The good thing is that now I am recognizing that it doesn't just play my voice.  But how did I even get to the point of losing me in the false advertising and shame game show?

I am developing a theory, or is a hypothesis? ;)

Here's where the lately comes in. Lately, I have had extremely harmful thoughts enter my mind of their own accord.  Luckily, I noticed how harmful their potential was if acted upon.  The more I have dissected my therapy sessions, and the time leading up to getting therapy, I have seen these thoughts present for a while.  So why didn't I do something about it earlier?  Why had I not labeled the thoughts as invaders?

Commonplace.

Do you listen to music a lot? In your car, from your devices? Watch movies, T.V.? Scroll through online media?  What happens when you turn it off?  Sometimes I still hear the last song echo in my mind, or see the light of the screen when I close my eyes.  When I first learned to drive turning on music was a No-no.  It would be a distraction that created higher probability of poor judgment while handling a vehicle. Now, the radio is on, oh AC needs adjusted, phone call, GPS, check for cars, is my mirror crooked (children), etc.  Wow, that is a lot going on in a moving vehicle, did the probability for harm lessen?  No.  But slowly overtime, each of those things became commonplace.  Second-nature.

Satan is working hard to do the same thing with my mind.  It wasn't always so invasive.  But I believe that little by little he's adding flaxen cords.



source

The harmful thoughts that have entered my mind most likely started as something third party.  Something that wasn't tangible or even "thinkable" to be part of my life.  Just a very sad something that had happened to other people, something I couldn't fathom.

Just like the radio, the cell phone, and the online media, those passive thoughts became common.  Common enough that I started paying attention and then forgot that they weren't generated by me.  They never felt like me, never made my soul ring, and the first time the thought was so vivid that it became actively first person, I cried.  I cried because the weight of it's intention was too heavy for my soul.  That's when I got help. 

There is someone who needs to hear me speak about this.  Why am I having glimpses of horrible that other people deal with always? I don't know, but the falsity has been too real lately and I am a Warrior, I will not continue to allow the voices of evil be the only ones heard.  Never stop fighting, never lose touch with your soul, with what you really have to say. It's your talk show, be heard.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

In the Midst of Silence

I have had laryngitis for three days now.  It has caused deep reflection on what I say to my children, my husband, and how I say it.

The anxiety I have felt in my life has reflected itself in various ways over the years.  When I was a teenager and had experienced some life altering hardships, I hyperventilated often.  At first, it was the only thing my body could do to exude EVERYTHING that was happening inside of my mind and emotions.  It was just all too much.  After a while though, when I felt I was beginning to get a handle on things but would still hyperventilate, I think I feared the pain and helplessness of the panic attack more than anything.  Which of course only made the episode come on much faster and last longer.  It hurts you know, your lungs feel like they will explode, your muscles like they will snap, and your skin like you've been stuck with needles in every pore.

During that time doctors had me take a lot of tests: iron levels, sugar levels, etc.  But they also had me do survey type things to see if I was depressed.  Depression never was the conclusion. 

Other times in my life, I felt like I had a lot of control over me and my situations- i.e. college.  I didn't hyperventilate, or have panic attacks as often and life seemed to blossom.  I had a lot of classes that forced me to look at my life objectively and analyze it.  After my mission, I didn't panic at all.  I felt so much freedom and capability.  Though I would say my anxiety still showed through in small ways at the time.  In dance classes I was often critiqued as never fully releasing- "Let your head go, release your neck!  Release the energy."  You have to have a certain balance of centering/core and release in dance.  If everything is tight you will seize up and it makes ongoing turns impossible and your leaps just don't seem as gravity defying because your holding that final upward breath back.

Now my anxiety is vividly returning by way of anger, impatience and silent fears.  I experienced Postpartum Depression and it unlocked that hidden box of anxiety.  I always used to say that if I was upset, sad or stressed it was ok to feel the emotion.  But I never really experienced it in a healthy way.  I would lock things into boxes and then they would explode out of me when they surpassed their limits. 

I am currently seeing the difference between anxiety and depression.  Shortly after my son's birth I felt like a black cloud lived in my being.  How do you shoo it away without shooing yourself away?  I thought I couldn't.  It infuriated me that I was out of control.  I often felt like I was having out of body experiences as I found myself screaming at my children, scaring them.  Afterward I plagued myself with shame.  How could I do this to my children?  Why can't I control my emotions?  Well, it is because anxiety reigns in my head.

I am currently learning the art of Meditating.  As mentioned in my previous post my paradigm is shifting.  I am practicing allowing thoughts to float by like clouds.  Or fall like leaves to the ground, and if they are malicious I watch them fall into a creek and float away (harder said than done).

Well, this has been magnified these last few days. My biggest struggle in an anxious state is that when I am feeling it strongly I tend to clam up while thoughts yell in my head, or I simply do not filter any thoughts and they come shooting out in raucous yelling and anger.  Because I am unable to yell or hardly speak at this time, I feel like my mind is winding into a silence I have never known. 

The anxiety has allowed anger, frustration, and impatience to have its way.  But it hurts too much to try to yell.  So I haven't.  I take a deep breath and look at my approach.  Does what I have to say need to be yelled?  Most likely not.  I find myself yelling when the girls fight, but they need a breath.  They need a role model, do I have to be perfect? No.  But I do have to take the time to catch the appropriate thoughts as they fall and let anything else float by.

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales

Let Virtue Garnish Your Thoughts

Garnish your thoughts?

This week I had a profound awakening about thought.  You see, with the depression I have been experiencing, I often think very rudely of myself.  I don't know that I have been extremely conscious of it, but all of that is now changing.

I started counseling and my therapist said, "You know you aren't your thoughts, right?  Thoughts come and go they aren't who you are."

Wow!  In the words of this media generation, "MIND BLOWN!"  I am having to change my entire paradigm about who I am, my character.  I was able to pin my belief system about thought to a quote,

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become your character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your Destiny."

-Accredited to so many people I am unsure who it originated from

 

 

Now, this may not seem like it leads in the wrong direction, especially after I think about thought differently.  But to me this did not imply anything other than that my thoughts are MINE.  Or, in other words, that I create and control them.  My sister instructed me to label my thoughts as, "That's a thought." not my thought, but A thought.  I hope I am not the only one that sees this as amazing.

 

My husband also shared with me the phrase, "If you have a good idea, pursue it."  Indicating that we must follow good thoughts, act on good thoughts.  That is when we began to discuss garnishing thoughts.

 

The link above leads to a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 that says, "...let virtue garnish your thoughts unceasingly..."  we have decided that means to make them more beautiful.  My mom also found a definition I like, decorate or embellish.  So when a good thought enters my mind and I want to pursue it, I will most likely embellish it by entertaining it, magnifying it and exploring the options.  But I have found that I constantly embellish thoughts showing cruelty to myself, or labeling myself as a failure with the connotation that failing is the WORST thing in existence.

 

This week has been a bloodbath that started with believing a thought.  I believed it because I entertained it often and made it my reality.  And so with this new perspective, a battle is ensue. It is hard and exhausting but I also found hope because of an article (among other things).

 

I encourage you to read Satan's Hidden Arsenal Against Women.  If you have depression, it is so helpful.  If you don't have depression, it may help you understand that it is a real battle.  the authors offered me this one hope- I can choose light!  I can constantly return to light.  I am going to end with a quote from this article.   

 

"We can always choose. Depression may be weighing us down with a ton of dark matter, but we can still choose to stand up and go live our lives....Indeed, the truth is that many of us cannot choose to stop being depressed. Depression will haunt us our entire lives, rearing its ugly head over and over again. So, no, we don't have that choice. That is the truth that Satan uses to wrap this destructive lie in: that we cannot choose our reaction to depression. And if we believe that lie, he has us. We will turn towards the darkness and sink further and further into it. Satan knows that agency is one of our greatest gifts, and the only thing that will allow us to progress and become stronger. He will do everything he can to everyone he can to make them feel like they cannot choose. With conscientious and strong women, depression is the tool he uses to make us feel powerless. And that powerlessness is always a lie. Never choose darkness. Fight it with everything you have."

 

 

Con mucho amor,

 

~Anna K. Morales

Defining Success

Today I found a post on  Today's the Best Day, a blog I stumbled upon.

10 Habits Of A Successful Mom

Reading Danielle's post made me reflect on what success is.  All too often we define success by looking outward.  We may compare ourselves to Mom's that somehow stay super trendy or have amazing planning skills- healthy meals anyone?  I've watched longingly in the 'window' of friends homes who have routine down pat.  I am learning though that to find success we must look inward through our own windows.

Now, this can be scary, to look at yourself from a different perspective.  I have indeed seen things through my window that shook me.  Especially as I have felt depressed, but I was also surprised at how many good things I see happening in my home.  There is enough good to make some changes bearable.  If you look at yourself and home from this point of view, I guarantee that you will not notice so much if your kitchen is spotless or if your hair looked good or not.  You will notice whether or not your children feel loved or ignored.  One of the negative things I noticed was that my children would play "phone" but it wasn't just talking it was pretending to look at things on their phone, to play videos on their phone.  It really hit me hard that there was such a disconnect on my side.  Do they really see me doing this so much that they are learning it is how life is?  I am addressing this issue, however, that is just one side of the coin.

I also found so much joy in sharing things that I love with them!  We do a ballet/creative movement class occasionally.  I used to not like teaching toddlers, but now I love it.  They follow with such precision and call me "Maestra" (teacher).  It's so cute.  Sofia has amazing form and the perfect feet for dancing.  Lilly has artistry and will make your insides hurt when she dances so dramatically. Another thing they enjoy is becoming artisans of jewelry.  My friend and I are working to build our inventory so my girls have been 'helping' me.  Sofia has also begun to make her own bed and organize her room. They both love to empty the dishwasher as well.  I saw that I successfully taught them both to brush their own teeth, and to do it well.

So, as I hope you see from the positive examples,  Not everything you're doing is a failure.  Looking through my window, I found that my struggles are valid.  Bedtime and cleanliness are real and valid struggles.  They are hard for me.  But this is where you can look for answers so that weak things may become strong things.

As I suggested in my last post, we really do have to reach out for help sometimes.  And it can be so good to watch others interact with our children.  You will see how much 'right' you really do and have the opportunity to learn from others as well.

We all can do hard things.  It is in them that we will find our successes.  Keep pushing forward in faith and cheerfulness!

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Overcome Depression

***Warning***

Long Post
Espanol

Well, since we blogged last, there have been a bajillion things happen.  I won't go over everything, most of what we've experienced will be in my heart, to ponder.  But one of the really wonderful things that happened was the birth of our son!  He is so sweet and just a charm.  Our three little tots just bring us so much joy.

However, last year I also experienced the very thing that allows me to understand that joy, it's opposite. Laced through different experiences, sadness overwhelmed me.  It was also very strongly attached to its friends - anger, guilt, shame, frustration and bitterness.

2015 had the potential to drain all of my desire to feel, it was exhausting.  But I want to share some things that have helped me as I fight the uphill battle to feeling worthy of joy and blessings.

1-  Lately I have started to pray with a little different vocabulary.  Nephi often describes the beginning of his understanding by telling us that he desired something. He desired to know the mysteries of God, and desired room on his plates to write the things of God.  In 1 Nephi 10:17 he says, "I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear, and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost..." In the next chapter not only does he state what he desired but during his vision "...the Spirit said unto [him]: Behold, what desirest thou?" 

So I started really thinking about what I desire.  I noticed that Nephi was required to clarify his belief and then the Spirit rejoiced and praised God because of Nephi.  In simply begging that I would know the answers and figure out how to be a better person, I wasn't truly being honest with what I wanted, or at least not developing it far enough. 

What I desire is to show my children that Christ has comfort but that if one diligently seeks Him, He will teach us how to overcome our weakness through Him.  It opened my mind to the fact that my children need to hear me apologize to them when I lose it, but also hear me talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ and see that He is the source they also can turn to.

2-  Scripture Study and Prayer are one.  They do not go 'hand in hand' for me.  This wasn't a new concept to me but has indeed become more dear to my heart.  Prayer is a conversation.  But it can happen in so many ways- For example, Anne Shirley said that if she really wanted to pray she would go out into a large field, look up to the heavens, and simply feel a prayer. (Anne of Green Gables) Sometimes I feel prayer.  My thoughts' direction is to Heavenly Father but then I just bask in emotion.  I often sit serenely with my soul connected to the heavens and just smile about a moment, understanding, or thought.  Other times I cry, sob, whimper, and have been known to wail in agony.

But the thing that is comforting to me is that God also has various ways of answering. At times I am impressed to sit in the temple just to feel the wonderment of all that can be revealed and the basicness of the gospel.  Other times I study the scriptures and find that I can relate with those that have gone before me.  I have dreamt life answers and also worked (blood, sweat, and tears) to grasp a vague understanding over a moment. His answers are tailor-made for us.  He understands us better than us, so I think sometimes it takes us a while to know how to discover the treasures He tucks into the answers but they are ample.

3-  People want to help!  Often they will do so without knowing how much they stir your soul.  As I have forced myself to feel all of the ugly and let it be seen, true kindred spirits have stepped up to support me, teach me and just love me.  Trust them, be vulnerable and then be willing to grab the good that comes of it.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K Morales