Arrival
We approached the border, my heart raced. My hands trembled as I picked up my bag, digging for our passports. We drove up to the gate where I saw a camera flash and heard an alarm sound. "Is that for us?" We approached the sensor line for the rail to lift and nothing happened. Heart pounding, passports in hand. Cuauhtemoc moved the car an inch further, the light turned green and the rail lifted to let us in.
We continued into Mexico. The roads became strange and unforgiving. The first large speed bump crunched against the bottom of the car. "Sorrio Volvo!" Traffic was a tense situation, streets merged with uncertain proceeding. The maimed and poor walked the middle of the streets with cars zipping around them.
My map was automatically unhelpful and the street names held no resemblance to those of our directions. Thank God for modern technology and that Cuauhtemoc's data was still good, GPS saved us from having to ask directions. Normally I wouldn't mind but that day in that way was anything other than normal.
My lovely husband felt moved to compassion with every beggar and I felt compelled to keep the windows up and the money away. 'Please let us just get to the hotel.' This was my begging at the moment. Cuauhtemoc drove on, though in his heart he was passing out US $ to all in need. God bless him for his pure intent.
We finally saw our hotel, our gated little sanctuary. Walking in was respite to my weary pregnant body, hyper-alert from hours in the car and the stress of surpassing the unknown.
Medical
I told him I was going to eat and go back to bed. I told him that I wouldn't be bored or in want of distraction because I would sleep, wash laundry, read my books, and work on dance. I told him, but it must have been a lie. I did eat. I came back to our room and sent him a message on Google Hangout- Llegaste? He didn't respond, maybe his data didn't work anymore? Maybe he didn't have time to respond as the shuttle was late getting to the hotel that morning.
I laid down on the bed, watched videos on Facebook about protesting police brutality toward black Americans by kneeling during the National Anthem and another about a Holocaust survivor who embraced her authority to forgive. I read some e-mails from family. Then I lay there on the bed holding tight to the shirt he wore the day before, squeezing it as he had my hand before sleeping.
He left only an hour and 15 minutes ago. This will be an exhausting wait.
.
.
.
.
This referred to the entire moment of Juarez. That moment of Medical was a glimpse of the wait I would have today, Friday, Interview day.
Thursday passed as the calm before the storm. We exercised, we washed our clothes, we went to the fingerprint appointment, we ate, and went to a movie. It was a day of preparation, like nesting before the magnificent trauma of birth.
We argued about things to say, about how to respond to certain questions. We fell silent. I felt many things of anger, doubt, fear, and a little hopelessness. But not so much to take away my power to act on the bright glimmer still beaming inside my mind's eye. So I pulled him to me, I held him, and maybe gently slapped the back of his head. We were meant to be together on that night, not torn apart. And so we prayed. I blessed his mind and body and called for angels to go before his face, fill his mouth, and the ears of the official with the words of a Visa secured.
And we slept.
This morning he rose, bathed, dressed. We dedicated this day, this interview in prayer to the sanctification of and receipt of the Visa. I walked him downstairs where he boarded the shuttle, then walked back to our room. That walk, my sleep moments before, are a memorial. Though I slept, I knew every minute of that night. As I walked, I felt every solid piece of ground under my feet. Now, as I type I feel the weight of my being in this space. But there are moments between then and now that must be shared.
I entered the room and began to supplicate the involvement of all I know. We need you. I wrote to them all: "Cuauhtemoc's on his way to the Consulate. I've pleaded for angels to surround him and to speak for him. Now I'm pleading for the officials questions to be worded in a way that Cuauhtemoc can answer with confidence and surety."
Knowing that action to be wanting, I began to speak. I spoke to Father, Mother, Earth, Space, Distance, Jesus Christ and all things good within the reach of my movement. I let my lips plead our case, I let the air in my throat flow out forcefully. I wanted nothing more than to act, to move in some way that will push ongoing power to my husband in his moment of solitude. We will be able to accomplish more in the world from having residency in the United States, my argument. We will be a source of goodness and warriors of truth and light, I bribed. I reasoned that our intentions have always been to amplify our influence of goodness with this process of immigration, that it isn't a selfish inward motion but rather complies for the wholeness of all. I begged, let us go home with a Visa!
In all of that speaking, I was confiding in sources that I held confidence were on my side. Yet I began to shrink when I stopped speaking. I stopped because I felt faint, I was exhausted. I wanted to sleep, I felt the need to distract or to restore the energy. I began to curl up on the bed and felt fear put a blanket over me. I wrote: "Are you there? Tell me how perfect love leading will open my air ways. Tell me how to cast out fear. I am exhausted. I feel that I know why the disciples slept while Christ suffered. Could they have known the extent of the anguish, no. But they may very well have spent themselves praying for him. I am receiving constant messages of hope and Faith and petitions to the highest power yet I am weeping in my solitude because of his. I can do nothing for him but what is already done. Did I do enough?"
It was a question to myself, that strong part of me that I knew would not allow me to shun the fight. Because I knew she was still fighting within me to relinquish fear, I actually sent it to my sister. I wept waiting for her reply, waiting for myself to be personified in her because we are allowed to be one. As was my hope with all whom I spoke my power to, I was waiting for the echo to come back to me.
I wept and I tried to keep my body spread out across the bed. That strong part of me was not going to allow me to become small in the space I could affect. It must have given me courage to open that way, because I sat up and said aloud, "I will not allow fear to rob me of any strength or power that I might send to Cuauhtemoc in this moment!" Then the thought came, Que Firmes Cimientos is his favorite song. Listen to it. So I did, and it gave me power. How Firm a Foundation
Then the echo came back to me, my sister called. In all that was said, in all that was given, myself was speaking to me. She said, "You are more powerful now as a body in pain and suffering than you ever were as a spirit of light and intelligence. You knew things but you had no power to live." That is what I heard. You are living, she said. I am fighting. I am a warrior and I am sending forth power with my word.
The movement of my breath, the vibrations of my words, will push forth from rock to air, to tree and sea. The God of heaven and earth, Mother and Father, Christ, my family present on earth and in heaven, the Holy Ghost, all are working together for the good of our family. And I accept their sacrifices and their labor.
I accept the pain that comes with the birthing of a child. Immigration has been carried in our lives for seven years. Like a the baby within me will soon do, it outgrew its circumstances. I will not be able to supply life and nutrients to this child in my womb for much longer. Immigration can no longer be sustained in our hands. It is painful to push it out into the hands of someone else, but it is necessary.
It's been three weeks.
I finished typing that Friday at 10:29 am. Though I didn't consciously feel the shift in wind, or the tremble of the ground beneath me, the molecules of my body suddenly burst with energy. Their vibrations moved within me and I said allowed, "It's all finished now, he's coming, our Visa is coming."
The call I sent out returned more swiftly then I knew possible. They excited and calmed me instantaneously. And with this knowledge of success sitting on my heart, I had only two things to do: I sent my gratitude forth on the wind, through the Earth, into space, and on wings of prayer. Then again, I waited.
Around 11:10am, Cuauhtémoc knocked on the door. I looked out the peep hole to see him standing with a giant grin on his face. He had finished around 10:25am.
We celebrated. We rejoiced. We were humbled.
The wait for his packet to come, with his passport and Visa, felt eternal. We just wanted to get home and hold our children close. Yet here we are at home, three weeks from that Friday. That place seems distant now, as though it happened years ago. The anxiety attacks that used to wake me in my sleep, are now non-existent. I still wake up constantly, caused by waiting for the baby to come- heartburn, bathroom runs, getting constantly uncomfortable.
The place I'm in is no longer dependent on a physical space. In this place, there is breath, life, freedom. It is familiar, like it was always there but for fear and time, I couldn't see it. Moments in which this place quietly revealed itself to me along the way, I call those moments hope.
I can't wait to see what is held for us in this place.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
24 January 2018
24 June 2017
Creation
I'm in the middle of the very beginning of fulfilling some artistic dreams and right now I'm super excited. I think creation is all our life is meant to be. We create relationships on all levels, we create ways to live and journey through life together. So, this I will remember when darkness creeps on my mind, I just have to create a way to get to the light and turn it on.
28 January 2017
...
I've decided that my current perception of depression and anxiety are very much like ellipsis. Not that they are skipped over but rather encompass a set of ellipsis. That set of ellipsis represents a multitude of thoughts and emotions that pulse through me as I transition between waves of anxiety and depression. It is in these ellipsis that I fail or triumph and learn.
If we zoomed into the ellipsis of my mind, like scientific movies zoom in on cells, we would find a monumental battle ensuing. I have had quite a few people ask me how I over came my depression, because I have felt so much better in these last couple of months and it is almost palpable.
BUT, I always answer that it isn't over and we ought not be deceived into thinking the condition has passed. The thing is that many people continue having attacks flung on them, even though they smile. For me personally, the storms of depression are still a magnitude like unto any that contributed to keeping me in bed an entire day, or turning me into a monster toward my children and husband. It's still very much real and very painful.
BUT, I have come to a point of eureka. I have found it, that moment so microscopic that it literally took me months to even fathom a "pause" between thought and reaction. I couldn't see it, when Therapists would mention pausing, or breathing, or even recognizing an erroneous thought, I repeatedly asked, "HOW?!"
So I was taught to work backward from the situations I found myself in. Starting with negating the shame that came about every time I hurt someone or sent normal situations flying to crazy in .02 seconds. I came to understand that the feeling of shame fed my next entertainment of the adversaries thoughts that flooded my mind in the aftermath of negative reactions.
I then found it possible to find a pause mid reaction. I became as familiar as possible with the tool I was given and tried to breathe them into my being. My reactions began to be shortened and with each cut, each pause, I heard a little voice of reason asking, "Is this an appropriate response to the matter at hand?" The more I listened to that tiny profound voice, the sooner I craved it and the sooner it delivered.
You see, depression is a very overwhelming feeling. It is hard to describe, but when it is prevalent, I think your entire being craves something as powerful, anything other than that doom. Which, in my theory, is why anxiety easily couples depression. Anxiety feeds secondary emotions, giving them strength to lash out. In my case, that secondary was often anger. No, wrath. My ignorance of this entire realm of depression allowed my anger to become a beast, not just an inclination. The process of battling, then breaking and calming that beast to a trained tool is still a goal, not a complete success.
Now, I have found that point of being able to ask if my response will be appropriate before it comes out of me.
BUT, that is not to say the urge and the attack don't entice me, that they don't win sometimes. Because they do, some days I simply lose grip of my reigns and I have to fight my way back to getting them in hand again.
I can smile more now, and choose to do so in spite of the gloom because, for the most part, I have found that I can control my reactions. It's hard and often takes all mental and physical stamina. Just like retraining a muscle after atrophy, the joy of having full use and ability of your limbs is undeniable.
Please, keep fighting, I know you're tired and sometimes don't know how to battle effectively. I know it's hard to find allies, but please don't stop searching for those who will help you succeed and teach you the way through the battlefield. There will be a time when you too will exlaim, Eureka!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
If we zoomed into the ellipsis of my mind, like scientific movies zoom in on cells, we would find a monumental battle ensuing. I have had quite a few people ask me how I over came my depression, because I have felt so much better in these last couple of months and it is almost palpable.
BUT, I always answer that it isn't over and we ought not be deceived into thinking the condition has passed. The thing is that many people continue having attacks flung on them, even though they smile. For me personally, the storms of depression are still a magnitude like unto any that contributed to keeping me in bed an entire day, or turning me into a monster toward my children and husband. It's still very much real and very painful.
BUT, I have come to a point of eureka. I have found it, that moment so microscopic that it literally took me months to even fathom a "pause" between thought and reaction. I couldn't see it, when Therapists would mention pausing, or breathing, or even recognizing an erroneous thought, I repeatedly asked, "HOW?!"
So I was taught to work backward from the situations I found myself in. Starting with negating the shame that came about every time I hurt someone or sent normal situations flying to crazy in .02 seconds. I came to understand that the feeling of shame fed my next entertainment of the adversaries thoughts that flooded my mind in the aftermath of negative reactions.
I then found it possible to find a pause mid reaction. I became as familiar as possible with the tool I was given and tried to breathe them into my being. My reactions began to be shortened and with each cut, each pause, I heard a little voice of reason asking, "Is this an appropriate response to the matter at hand?" The more I listened to that tiny profound voice, the sooner I craved it and the sooner it delivered.
You see, depression is a very overwhelming feeling. It is hard to describe, but when it is prevalent, I think your entire being craves something as powerful, anything other than that doom. Which, in my theory, is why anxiety easily couples depression. Anxiety feeds secondary emotions, giving them strength to lash out. In my case, that secondary was often anger. No, wrath. My ignorance of this entire realm of depression allowed my anger to become a beast, not just an inclination. The process of battling, then breaking and calming that beast to a trained tool is still a goal, not a complete success.
Now, I have found that point of being able to ask if my response will be appropriate before it comes out of me.
BUT, that is not to say the urge and the attack don't entice me, that they don't win sometimes. Because they do, some days I simply lose grip of my reigns and I have to fight my way back to getting them in hand again.
I can smile more now, and choose to do so in spite of the gloom because, for the most part, I have found that I can control my reactions. It's hard and often takes all mental and physical stamina. Just like retraining a muscle after atrophy, the joy of having full use and ability of your limbs is undeniable.
Please, keep fighting, I know you're tired and sometimes don't know how to battle effectively. I know it's hard to find allies, but please don't stop searching for those who will help you succeed and teach you the way through the battlefield. There will be a time when you too will exlaim, Eureka!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
27 October 2016
Epiphany
A thought: maybe we need to redefine the course. Our goal pathway usually focuses on how we will trod and when we want to arrive. Maybe it's time that we all recognize that the pathways we choose also include unforeseeable terrain, monsters/demons/and other travelers. It also might not always supply us with provisions the path. Maybe we need to start knowing that there will be unexpected stops because of hardship or insurmounted beauty to withstand. So when we are forced to stop progressing on the path we can know that it's still progression in the journey. To move forward on the path again is not a matter of overcoming shame or guilt or incapability, but rather wisdom to know it's time the journey continue down the path.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
03 October 2016
Remembering the Promises
I've been thinking about faith, because of the things discussed in the General Women's Session. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds a General Conference Semi-annually).
I discussed with my good friend, Jane, how I might trust God in a way that recognizes my fears (realistic or not) and allows my faith to lead my fears to the Lord. She reminded me that Heavenly Father not only hears my petitions for my family but loves me enough to desire my same desires for my family.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught that "[faith] cannot violate another person's agency....[nor] force our will upon God."
What do I want from Life and God? Specifically, at this moment, I want our vehicles to sell so that we can pay off some debt and not go into more debt to pay the $585 and $85 fees that we need to turn in with our 601-A application. And, I want this application to be approved. Both rely on decisions made by other people. I questioned if my faith that these things could happen might be erroneous. That perhaps I should not have faith in something that is up to the chances of people's choices.
I respectfully negate that question because I know that there are good people in all aspects of life. What I ask is that those be the people whose eyes see or ears hear of our ads to sell the cars. I ask that the good people working in Immigration will be those that receive, review, and approve our application.
I thought about what my faith is based in; 1- Jesus Christ makes Life, Progression, and Change possible. 2- My ability to become the me I currently can't see. 3- That there is a law, an eternal law, that with no beginning exists: All things will work together for my good because I love and serve God.
That reminded me of a post I wrote a few years ago that I'd like to share part of with you.
I discussed with my good friend, Jane, how I might trust God in a way that recognizes my fears (realistic or not) and allows my faith to lead my fears to the Lord. She reminded me that Heavenly Father not only hears my petitions for my family but loves me enough to desire my same desires for my family.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught that "[faith] cannot violate another person's agency....[nor] force our will upon God."
What do I want from Life and God? Specifically, at this moment, I want our vehicles to sell so that we can pay off some debt and not go into more debt to pay the $585 and $85 fees that we need to turn in with our 601-A application. And, I want this application to be approved. Both rely on decisions made by other people. I questioned if my faith that these things could happen might be erroneous. That perhaps I should not have faith in something that is up to the chances of people's choices.
I respectfully negate that question because I know that there are good people in all aspects of life. What I ask is that those be the people whose eyes see or ears hear of our ads to sell the cars. I ask that the good people working in Immigration will be those that receive, review, and approve our application.
I thought about what my faith is based in; 1- Jesus Christ makes Life, Progression, and Change possible. 2- My ability to become the me I currently can't see. 3- That there is a law, an eternal law, that with no beginning exists: All things will work together for my good because I love and serve God.
That reminded me of a post I wrote a few years ago that I'd like to share part of with you.
28 September 2013
" a Fear not to do b good, my sons, for whatsoever ye c sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow d good ye shall also reap good for your e reward." Doctrine and Covenants 6:33.
I find that when I do good things, however small, the greatest blessing I have is contentedness. I find myself to be more joyful. I am able to recognize the good things that others do, however small. The good things they do bring gladness to my life, hope when thinking of my children's future, and opportunity to resolve to be a better me.
Don't be afraid to speak the kind thoughts. Don't fear the kind gesture or good intent, the Lord will make everything alright.
The promises of these scriptures are real and it moves me to hope, to trust that Heavenly Father will take all things that affect my life and He will orchestrate a grand symphony. He will not dismiss my righteous desires and I will not dismiss His ability to turn fear, anxiety, depression, worry, and heartbreak into a life more beautiful than I can imagine.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
27 September 2016
Making Space
You know, sometimes the anxiety I feel makes my brain want to explode and projects a false identity of space for my life.
When my house starts looking like the picture above, I can guarantee that my mind is in a similar state. I create spaces in my home for creation only when I take the focus off of the anxiety.
Please understand, my home is by no means ever really clean. My children are master storm debris creators, we are working on the aftermath clean-up pros part. But the thing is that when my mind is calm and has space to think things through logically, I am more motivated to create a space in my home, my family, and my life for the creation (new and adventurous things).
I am learning to hear the anxiety, recognize its voice and then move on. I want to move on because the anxiety is usually based on things that are not true or blown out of proportion. Sometimes anxiety comes up with a lot of what if's that are meant to scare me out of doing something I love, something that soulfills me, or neglect inviting my children to do something soulfilling. I'm glad I'm recognizing this and am able to enlarge my sphere. Imagine yourself in a sphere, like a very elastic bubble, anxiety wants to shrink that bubble around you until the point that you are in the fetal position. You take up the least amount of positive space that way. The immense amount of negative space surrounding you feels very heavy this way, breathing even feels like too much strain on your little space.
As I learn not to give heed to the anxiety, not to let it dictate my life, I am able to stretch this sphere of space as far as I want and am seeing that the larger I make it the more it can withstand. The space of breath and creation is so needed for me to feel complete and it is controlled by my will, not by circumstance.
I took what felt like a huge step toward creating more space to be me over the weekend. I auditioned for a local artist's original ballet, A King is Born. Not only that, I signed my girls up as well! I was both amazed and sore afterward. I was shocked at what my body could still do, longs to do. I was also very aware of the amount of work I have to do in the next few months, but I did it. I will have 3 roles in the work and my girls are so excited to be dancing with mommy!!!
I am nervous and have a lot of body image, capacity, concerns. I recognize those concerns and am taking measures to make sure I do the best I am capable of doing through exercise and technique practice. However, I am more excited about being part of this beautiful work than I am concerned about failing.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
09 September 2016
Uninspired
I feel like junk, mostly, I think. I've noticed that I write when I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I write to try and share some of the inspirations that give me momentum to keep trying.
Most days are not made up of that. I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day. Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me! Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies? Yes. Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.
Yesterday I was so grouchy. My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book. Know what I found?
Most days are not made up of that. I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day. Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me! Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies? Yes. Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.
Yesterday I was so grouchy. My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book. Know what I found?
The girls and I laughed at the funny pictures of all the animals and recognized ourselves in them. The girls said that I was like the Warthog... uh, yep.
The day before that I had probably dealt out one (or ten) too many spankings. When I am in a bad place, I spank. My kids sometimes put a hand up in defense if I'm getting upset. This makes me lose it with myself even more.
I have followed enough blogs, read tons of material, and talked to enough women and therapists to know I am not alone in this fight. If you can relate to anything I'm writing, please get help. I love therapy because it gives me the tools to fight the ravenous person that takes me over when I'm anxious or depressed. Before getting therapy there was no hesitation before acting, to reflect on the weight of what I was about to say, scream, or hurt into my children. Now there is, I don't always heed that moment and have cause to repent daily, habit is hard to break. But the fact that reason is coming back into my being on a more usual basis means progress.
**If you have not experienced these things, please have compassion for us who do. It is a very real fight. I can't count how many times people tell me, "just stop it." Well, it's a high speed train carrying tons of weight and won't stop on a dime. I am doing it. I have invoked the all encompassing powers of the Atonement and am being trained to stop and choose a better course of action.
It is hard and sometimes I wonder if I have made any real change. Overall, I know I have. Some days I am tired of the effort. But those are the days, like today and yesterday and the day before that I just have to bite the bullet and tell myself that I can slow down on my check list and that the most important thing is that my kids and I make it through the day having successfully navigated my and their emotional needs for that day.
This is real. This is why I blog about depression and anxiety. This is not a how-to during the post depression period. I'm in the thick of it. And I am telling you that I'm going to make it out alright, it's just that right now. It's a very real, very hard uphill battle.
As a side note, I have not slept well for a week and a half. Illnesses, teething and insomnia. I think there is a huge correlation there.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
25 August 2016
Bedtime & Me Time
I deep breathe myself into a calm and relaxed state before bed. It's something I've been focusing more on this week to try reverse insomnia. I was visiting family last week and discussed with my sister not being able to sleep. At that time I resolved to get into a bedtime routine.
1- My kids also don't sleep enough.
2- I've got a kindergartner on my hands starting Monday, I need her to wake up rested and happy.
3- I feel I need a chance to wind down before getting in bed and lights out.
My kids usually hang out around me, on top of me or very close by until they drift off and go to sleep, then they magically appear in their beds, heehee. I can't wait for them to figure out that the magic is mommy carrying them to bed. Then again, if I stay on this course maybe they won't need to appear in their beds. Monday night was the first night of really sticking to the routine, on my part. The kids listened but with hesitancy. Last night was awesome. Dinner, free time, park or reading, bath, brush teeth, song/prayers, bed. My oldest longs for the structure and is settling into this very gracefully. My second is not about this at all. She longs for touching and holding and sleeping on me every night. But she sleeps in her toddler bed in my room so I tuck her in then start folding laundry or tidying up so she sees me. Three nights in a row she has fallen asleep by or before 9:00 pm! That's a 2-3 hour difference from usual! I think my sister helped them cause she tucked them in on our visit and just kept sending them back to bed if they got up. They aren't fighting it as much as times past when I tried to implement a bed time.
I have felt really good about doing this. It's better for all of our health. We're still working on the early rising time of, ahem, 7:00 am. 6:30 for me. Today they actually were a bit groggy but soon were giggling and playing together.
For many this all might sound like a simple mommy discipline issue. In part, but really anxiety and depression keep you from doing even the simplest of things. I have often felt like a failure because one part of bed time went awry and it would literally unhinge me. So many nights my husband and kids were asking me not to yell at everyone that I took it to the other extreme and didn't expect anything of anyone.
'Bed time' was non-existent. My kids weren't falling asleep in a calm state, they would just chat and move or cry until they completely zoned out. There was nothing peaceful about it. The whole thing just sounded like cries for help. But the thoughts in my mind were that if I tried I would just end up screaming and that would be worse than unrest.
Anxiety just lies to you, repeating one undesirable option, one possible outcome, over and over again until you believe it is the only thing, that it is truth.
Taking time to deep breathe purposefully each morning and night has really given me scope. It also has become a calm time, if I am breathing and my kids need me, instead of yelling the girls have just come up and quietly said, "Mami."
So to recap, breathe, sleep, and believe that you can author new outcomes in your home.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
1- My kids also don't sleep enough.
2- I've got a kindergartner on my hands starting Monday, I need her to wake up rested and happy.
3- I feel I need a chance to wind down before getting in bed and lights out.
My kids usually hang out around me, on top of me or very close by until they drift off and go to sleep, then they magically appear in their beds, heehee. I can't wait for them to figure out that the magic is mommy carrying them to bed. Then again, if I stay on this course maybe they won't need to appear in their beds. Monday night was the first night of really sticking to the routine, on my part. The kids listened but with hesitancy. Last night was awesome. Dinner, free time, park or reading, bath, brush teeth, song/prayers, bed. My oldest longs for the structure and is settling into this very gracefully. My second is not about this at all. She longs for touching and holding and sleeping on me every night. But she sleeps in her toddler bed in my room so I tuck her in then start folding laundry or tidying up so she sees me. Three nights in a row she has fallen asleep by or before 9:00 pm! That's a 2-3 hour difference from usual! I think my sister helped them cause she tucked them in on our visit and just kept sending them back to bed if they got up. They aren't fighting it as much as times past when I tried to implement a bed time.
I have felt really good about doing this. It's better for all of our health. We're still working on the early rising time of, ahem, 7:00 am. 6:30 for me. Today they actually were a bit groggy but soon were giggling and playing together.
For many this all might sound like a simple mommy discipline issue. In part, but really anxiety and depression keep you from doing even the simplest of things. I have often felt like a failure because one part of bed time went awry and it would literally unhinge me. So many nights my husband and kids were asking me not to yell at everyone that I took it to the other extreme and didn't expect anything of anyone.
'Bed time' was non-existent. My kids weren't falling asleep in a calm state, they would just chat and move or cry until they completely zoned out. There was nothing peaceful about it. The whole thing just sounded like cries for help. But the thoughts in my mind were that if I tried I would just end up screaming and that would be worse than unrest.
Anxiety just lies to you, repeating one undesirable option, one possible outcome, over and over again until you believe it is the only thing, that it is truth.
Taking time to deep breathe purposefully each morning and night has really given me scope. It also has become a calm time, if I am breathing and my kids need me, instead of yelling the girls have just come up and quietly said, "Mami."
So to recap, breathe, sleep, and believe that you can author new outcomes in your home.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
21 June 2016
Back to the Basics
"When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?" - Elder Donald L. Hallstrom
As I've lacked uninterrupted access to a keyboard, I have subsequently stopped updating my blog. Not sharing my thoughts is like carrying rocks in a basket. All of these things add up and I feel my basket will burst if I don't share. So, I'm typing on my phone, a thing I hate to do. Wish me luck.
If I could ever sum up all of my experiences with anxiety and conversations in the last month and a half, the quote above might capture the most oft asked question to myself. Do I trust my Father?
Now, I don't want anyone to assume that this question means, we don't have enough faith, or that anxiety and depression simply are a matter of faith. Please don't shame yourself for these things. I do not suggest, nor will I ever, that we simply can choose our way out of this with one giant leap of faith. I don't believe that. I believe that our minds are intricate and delicate yet just like the intricate muscles of our hands, we can learn to exercise things that will reshape our thinking and outlook.
The reason I bring trust into the conversation is this: I know that there is a stigma out there about therapy and therapists. I had a good experience on my first go round, so I should have no reason to doubt I can have it again, right? Well, I do doubt. So my question is, would I rather continue all of my life experiences in anxiety or fear? Or do I trust that the Lord is going to provide people in my life who are capable of teaching me a new approach?
I have good friends that I have spoken with in the last month and I plan to continue to seek them out. But for all the testimony and buoying up, I still feel the void of professional help. What I mean is, I recognize and value the knowledge and mapping a social worker can provide. I have yet to meet a clinician that only listens and provides no guidance. Though I have only seen a therapist once, I have worked with a few and my sister is a Social Worker.
It is my belief that their apt for compassion and learning about the workings of mental health are gifts, talents, both innate to them and given by God. So, do I trust Him that I am worth the investment? I am able to learn and change my understanding about anxieties. I am capable of being assertive and finding resources to guide me as I step forward in faith. Part of the resources I need is to speak out all of my cluttered thoughts and have them labeled with an approach to process it all.
So, I'm stepping up to the challenge and will use all of my resources. I'm looking to start therapy again this week. What resources have you used and how have they shaped your outlook?
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
12 April 2016
What is the Purpose of Anxiety?
Lately I've been wondering if I need to change the lens I look through to view anxiety. I seen it as unnecessary worry based on fallacies of thought. Something that moves me toward self-fulfilled prophecies of self-destruction and melt downs.
I was reading something that quoted D&C 58:27, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;"
It caused me to wonder why I should be anxiously engaged in good. Why doesn't it say deliberately engaged or excitedly engaged?
I began to look at other scripture that cites anxiety. Some made me feel yearning, some hope, some sorrow with a desire for hope. Overall, this short study made me question what the purpose of anxiety is.
I am still reflecting on it. Do I engage in good causes despite anxiety or because of it? Do I harness the energy of my anxiety to action or in-action? I currently feel that anxiety propels me to actions based in fear, shame and irrational thinking. So what needs to change? Is my perspective of anxiety and its purpose just completely off?
D&C 58:27- "For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves."
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
I was reading something that quoted D&C 58:27, "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;"
It caused me to wonder why I should be anxiously engaged in good. Why doesn't it say deliberately engaged or excitedly engaged?
I began to look at other scripture that cites anxiety. Some made me feel yearning, some hope, some sorrow with a desire for hope. Overall, this short study made me question what the purpose of anxiety is.
I am still reflecting on it. Do I engage in good causes despite anxiety or because of it? Do I harness the energy of my anxiety to action or in-action? I currently feel that anxiety propels me to actions based in fear, shame and irrational thinking. So what needs to change? Is my perspective of anxiety and its purpose just completely off?
D&C 58:27- "For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves."
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
28 March 2016
Shame talk vs. Guilt talk
Two weeks ago I listened to a book by Brene Brown called The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting. Yes, I reference her often.
She gave examples of times she tried to teach her children by word but they caught her teaching differently by example. In recognizing this, she would address it with her kids.
I've tried to implement some of what I heard, even though my kids are small, or maybe Because they are small.
I know that I am imperfect, but why do I think my parenting should be perfect?
One thing that I have noticed about my responses to my children's errors is they are based in shame. It doesn't even have to be what I say, usually "Sofia!" or "Lilly!" But the weight of the shame I spread on those names is palpable. When I realized it I decided that I could say something more like, "Uh-oh, could you keep the food on the table?" Or "This is something we would need to clean up right away please." My mom has always told me to teach with positive phrasing, I just barely am grasping that concept though.
Well, I decided to change it, but boy is that hard. Right now I'm onto "SOFia...!" Backtrack..."Uh-oh. will you please not draw there?" So it's coming as a tag-a-long to my original, less shame sounding, response.
The fact of the matter is that we are all learning. I do not have to shame myself for not knowing how to do something. Rather, I can recognize that results aren't what I would like them to be and research. As I implement and learn, I cannot walk away because I'm not perfect at it yet. To finish I want to leave you with a meme that I saw, simple but profound.
She gave examples of times she tried to teach her children by word but they caught her teaching differently by example. In recognizing this, she would address it with her kids.
I've tried to implement some of what I heard, even though my kids are small, or maybe Because they are small.
I know that I am imperfect, but why do I think my parenting should be perfect?
One thing that I have noticed about my responses to my children's errors is they are based in shame. It doesn't even have to be what I say, usually "Sofia!" or "Lilly!" But the weight of the shame I spread on those names is palpable. When I realized it I decided that I could say something more like, "Uh-oh, could you keep the food on the table?" Or "This is something we would need to clean up right away please." My mom has always told me to teach with positive phrasing, I just barely am grasping that concept though.
Well, I decided to change it, but boy is that hard. Right now I'm onto "SOFia...!" Backtrack..."Uh-oh. will you please not draw there?" So it's coming as a tag-a-long to my original, less shame sounding, response.
The fact of the matter is that we are all learning. I do not have to shame myself for not knowing how to do something. Rather, I can recognize that results aren't what I would like them to be and research. As I implement and learn, I cannot walk away because I'm not perfect at it yet. To finish I want to leave you with a meme that I saw, simple but profound.
Con mucho amor,
Anna K. Morales
16 March 2016
Triggers
Meditation is a practice ground for the real world. It is a tool that you use to begin to know your mind and your being in all senses. In doing so you practice patience and love toward whoever your being is. This is the guide/training ground for how you would like to handle your triggers.
Triggers are those things that easily beset you. Today I would like to tell you what some of my triggers are and possibly embarrass myself. But vulnerability leads to better understanding and courage.
******SIGH******
Deep Breath, let it out. Breathe in, 1. Breathe out, 2. I have discovered that I am anxious because I want to be in control of my life. Completely. But who learns to swim with one foot still on the ground?
Areas in my life that easily beset me are finding babysitters for my children, being late, and not having a successful bedtime regimen. These may sound silly but they are also all intertwined. If we don't sleep well at night, I'm late getting up which then explodes in massive domino effect. So then if something goes awry with, let's say, babysitting, I am left with basically two seconds to figure it out. Nigh impossible.
These stressors cause so much havoc in my life. I work for various reasons. It gives me time to think and act like a grown up without children, gives them a chance to see that other people may or may not also be crazy, it currently is helping me pay off debt, and it allows opportunity for me to grow as a creative outlet. However, it nearly undoes me to feel that my efforts are for not.
As I've meditated I've come to realize that those are my triggers and are the moments that I lose any sense of reason. I yell, cry, sob, because I am angry that I have lost control of something that wasn't really mine to control in the first place - like other peoples lives/time. But then, almost as instantly as my tantrum begins, it turns into a tantrum based in shame. I am deeply ashamed that I do not control myself, my emotions, and my reactions to bedtime, being late, and child care. And because shame is not a motivator as guilt could be, I spiral into raging fits of belittling myself and/or my children.
Brene Brown teaches that shame says, You aren't worthy. You aren't good enough. You aren't, you aren't, you aren't. While guilt says, Oh, I made a mistake or a bad decision. I am going to fix it.
Do you see that? Not only does the motivation change, but the speaker. It went from Second person to first person. So rather than listen to someone else dictate my thought process while triggers are pulled, I am learning through meditation to call the shots. Today was a success.
For several reasons, all three of my triggers were pulled. In the middle of my panic attack, I was able to kindly redirect myself. Usually automatic thoughts come flying from my mouth or just permeate my body until all sense or kindness leaves me. Today, I said, "We are ok. We can be a little late. We have babysitting figured out. Heavenly Father showed us He provides. We are ok." Sofia noticed right away that I was creating a difference and she said it with me, We are ok.
It wasn't the cleanest or gentlest redirect but I did it!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
Triggers are those things that easily beset you. Today I would like to tell you what some of my triggers are and possibly embarrass myself. But vulnerability leads to better understanding and courage.
******SIGH******
Deep Breath, let it out. Breathe in, 1. Breathe out, 2. I have discovered that I am anxious because I want to be in control of my life. Completely. But who learns to swim with one foot still on the ground?
Areas in my life that easily beset me are finding babysitters for my children, being late, and not having a successful bedtime regimen. These may sound silly but they are also all intertwined. If we don't sleep well at night, I'm late getting up which then explodes in massive domino effect. So then if something goes awry with, let's say, babysitting, I am left with basically two seconds to figure it out. Nigh impossible.
These stressors cause so much havoc in my life. I work for various reasons. It gives me time to think and act like a grown up without children, gives them a chance to see that other people may or may not also be crazy, it currently is helping me pay off debt, and it allows opportunity for me to grow as a creative outlet. However, it nearly undoes me to feel that my efforts are for not.
As I've meditated I've come to realize that those are my triggers and are the moments that I lose any sense of reason. I yell, cry, sob, because I am angry that I have lost control of something that wasn't really mine to control in the first place - like other peoples lives/time. But then, almost as instantly as my tantrum begins, it turns into a tantrum based in shame. I am deeply ashamed that I do not control myself, my emotions, and my reactions to bedtime, being late, and child care. And because shame is not a motivator as guilt could be, I spiral into raging fits of belittling myself and/or my children.
Brene Brown teaches that shame says, You aren't worthy. You aren't good enough. You aren't, you aren't, you aren't. While guilt says, Oh, I made a mistake or a bad decision. I am going to fix it.
Do you see that? Not only does the motivation change, but the speaker. It went from Second person to first person. So rather than listen to someone else dictate my thought process while triggers are pulled, I am learning through meditation to call the shots. Today was a success.
For several reasons, all three of my triggers were pulled. In the middle of my panic attack, I was able to kindly redirect myself. Usually automatic thoughts come flying from my mouth or just permeate my body until all sense or kindness leaves me. Today, I said, "We are ok. We can be a little late. We have babysitting figured out. Heavenly Father showed us He provides. We are ok." Sofia noticed right away that I was creating a difference and she said it with me, We are ok.
It wasn't the cleanest or gentlest redirect but I did it!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
07 March 2016
The Radio is Always ON
I learned a new term today, mind chatter. It has been stirring in my mind since I left my therapy session. We were talking about getting out of the worry rut, acting once we recognize the possibility of falling into a sink hole. I asked, "So what do you do when you go out to, say, exercise? How do you keep the thoughts at bay? I could be teaching a new choreography and spouting out instruction all the while having a back conversation in my mind."
This my friends, is called mind chatter, or like a radio is on 24/7. So the problem is that I have been paying a lot of attention to the voices of the radio lately. Lately? Maybe I've become more and more attentive as years have passed. The good thing is that now I am recognizing that it doesn't just play my voice. But how did I even get to the point of losing me in the false advertising and shame game show?
I am developing a theory, or is a hypothesis? ;)
Here's where the lately comes in. Lately, I have had extremely harmful thoughts enter my mind of their own accord. Luckily, I noticed how harmful their potential was if acted upon. The more I have dissected my therapy sessions, and the time leading up to getting therapy, I have seen these thoughts present for a while. So why didn't I do something about it earlier? Why had I not labeled the thoughts as invaders?
Commonplace.
Do you listen to music a lot? In your car, from your devices? Watch movies, T.V.? Scroll through online media? What happens when you turn it off? Sometimes I still hear the last song echo in my mind, or see the light of the screen when I close my eyes. When I first learned to drive turning on music was a No-no. It would be a distraction that created higher probability of poor judgment while handling a vehicle. Now, the radio is on, oh AC needs adjusted, phone call, GPS, check for cars, is my mirror crooked (children), etc. Wow, that is a lot going on in a moving vehicle, did the probability for harm lessen? No. But slowly overtime, each of those things became commonplace. Second-nature.
Satan is working hard to do the same thing with my mind. It wasn't always so invasive. But I believe that little by little he's adding flaxen cords.
The harmful thoughts that have entered my mind most likely started as something third party. Something that wasn't tangible or even "thinkable" to be part of my life. Just a very sad something that had happened to other people, something I couldn't fathom.
Just like the radio, the cell phone, and the online media, those passive thoughts became common. Common enough that I started paying attention and then forgot that they weren't generated by me. They never felt like me, never made my soul ring, and the first time the thought was so vivid that it became actively first person, I cried. I cried because the weight of it's intention was too heavy for my soul. That's when I got help.
There is someone who needs to hear me speak about this. Why am I having glimpses of horrible that other people deal with always? I don't know, but the falsity has been too real lately and I am a Warrior, I will not continue to allow the voices of evil be the only ones heard. Never stop fighting, never lose touch with your soul, with what you really have to say. It's your talk show, be heard.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
This my friends, is called mind chatter, or like a radio is on 24/7. So the problem is that I have been paying a lot of attention to the voices of the radio lately. Lately? Maybe I've become more and more attentive as years have passed. The good thing is that now I am recognizing that it doesn't just play my voice. But how did I even get to the point of losing me in the false advertising and shame game show?
I am developing a theory, or is a hypothesis? ;)
Here's where the lately comes in. Lately, I have had extremely harmful thoughts enter my mind of their own accord. Luckily, I noticed how harmful their potential was if acted upon. The more I have dissected my therapy sessions, and the time leading up to getting therapy, I have seen these thoughts present for a while. So why didn't I do something about it earlier? Why had I not labeled the thoughts as invaders?
Commonplace.
Do you listen to music a lot? In your car, from your devices? Watch movies, T.V.? Scroll through online media? What happens when you turn it off? Sometimes I still hear the last song echo in my mind, or see the light of the screen when I close my eyes. When I first learned to drive turning on music was a No-no. It would be a distraction that created higher probability of poor judgment while handling a vehicle. Now, the radio is on, oh AC needs adjusted, phone call, GPS, check for cars, is my mirror crooked (children), etc. Wow, that is a lot going on in a moving vehicle, did the probability for harm lessen? No. But slowly overtime, each of those things became commonplace. Second-nature.
Satan is working hard to do the same thing with my mind. It wasn't always so invasive. But I believe that little by little he's adding flaxen cords.
 |
| source |
The harmful thoughts that have entered my mind most likely started as something third party. Something that wasn't tangible or even "thinkable" to be part of my life. Just a very sad something that had happened to other people, something I couldn't fathom.
Just like the radio, the cell phone, and the online media, those passive thoughts became common. Common enough that I started paying attention and then forgot that they weren't generated by me. They never felt like me, never made my soul ring, and the first time the thought was so vivid that it became actively first person, I cried. I cried because the weight of it's intention was too heavy for my soul. That's when I got help.
There is someone who needs to hear me speak about this. Why am I having glimpses of horrible that other people deal with always? I don't know, but the falsity has been too real lately and I am a Warrior, I will not continue to allow the voices of evil be the only ones heard. Never stop fighting, never lose touch with your soul, with what you really have to say. It's your talk show, be heard.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
02 March 2016
In the Midst of Silence
I have had laryngitis for three days now. It has caused deep reflection on what I say to my children, my husband, and how I say it.
The anxiety I have felt in my life has reflected itself in various ways over the years. When I was a teenager and had experienced some life altering hardships, I hyperventilated often. At first, it was the only thing my body could do to exude EVERYTHING that was happening inside of my mind and emotions. It was just all too much. After a while though, when I felt I was beginning to get a handle on things but would still hyperventilate, I think I feared the pain and helplessness of the panic attack more than anything. Which of course only made the episode come on much faster and last longer. It hurts you know, your lungs feel like they will explode, your muscles like they will snap, and your skin like you've been stuck with needles in every pore.
During that time doctors had me take a lot of tests: iron levels, sugar levels, etc. But they also had me do survey type things to see if I was depressed. Depression never was the conclusion.
Other times in my life, I felt like I had a lot of control over me and my situations- i.e. college. I didn't hyperventilate, or have panic attacks as often and life seemed to blossom. I had a lot of classes that forced me to look at my life objectively and analyze it. After my mission, I didn't panic at all. I felt so much freedom and capability. Though I would say my anxiety still showed through in small ways at the time. In dance classes I was often critiqued as never fully releasing- "Let your head go, release your neck! Release the energy." You have to have a certain balance of centering/core and release in dance. If everything is tight you will seize up and it makes ongoing turns impossible and your leaps just don't seem as gravity defying because your holding that final upward breath back.
Now my anxiety is vividly returning by way of anger, impatience and silent fears. I experienced Postpartum Depression and it unlocked that hidden box of anxiety. I always used to say that if I was upset, sad or stressed it was ok to feel the emotion. But I never really experienced it in a healthy way. I would lock things into boxes and then they would explode out of me when they surpassed their limits.
I am currently seeing the difference between anxiety and depression. Shortly after my son's birth I felt like a black cloud lived in my being. How do you shoo it away without shooing yourself away? I thought I couldn't. It infuriated me that I was out of control. I often felt like I was having out of body experiences as I found myself screaming at my children, scaring them. Afterward I plagued myself with shame. How could I do this to my children? Why can't I control my emotions? Well, it is because anxiety reigns in my head.
I am currently learning the art of Meditating. As mentioned in my previous post my paradigm is shifting. I am practicing allowing thoughts to float by like clouds. Or fall like leaves to the ground, and if they are malicious I watch them fall into a creek and float away (harder said than done).
Well, this has been magnified these last few days. My biggest struggle in an anxious state is that when I am feeling it strongly I tend to clam up while thoughts yell in my head, or I simply do not filter any thoughts and they come shooting out in raucous yelling and anger. Because I am unable to yell or hardly speak at this time, I feel like my mind is winding into a silence I have never known.
The anxiety has allowed anger, frustration, and impatience to have its way. But it hurts too much to try to yell. So I haven't. I take a deep breath and look at my approach. Does what I have to say need to be yelled? Most likely not. I find myself yelling when the girls fight, but they need a breath. They need a role model, do I have to be perfect? No. But I do have to take the time to catch the appropriate thoughts as they fall and let anything else float by.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
The anxiety I have felt in my life has reflected itself in various ways over the years. When I was a teenager and had experienced some life altering hardships, I hyperventilated often. At first, it was the only thing my body could do to exude EVERYTHING that was happening inside of my mind and emotions. It was just all too much. After a while though, when I felt I was beginning to get a handle on things but would still hyperventilate, I think I feared the pain and helplessness of the panic attack more than anything. Which of course only made the episode come on much faster and last longer. It hurts you know, your lungs feel like they will explode, your muscles like they will snap, and your skin like you've been stuck with needles in every pore.
During that time doctors had me take a lot of tests: iron levels, sugar levels, etc. But they also had me do survey type things to see if I was depressed. Depression never was the conclusion.
Other times in my life, I felt like I had a lot of control over me and my situations- i.e. college. I didn't hyperventilate, or have panic attacks as often and life seemed to blossom. I had a lot of classes that forced me to look at my life objectively and analyze it. After my mission, I didn't panic at all. I felt so much freedom and capability. Though I would say my anxiety still showed through in small ways at the time. In dance classes I was often critiqued as never fully releasing- "Let your head go, release your neck! Release the energy." You have to have a certain balance of centering/core and release in dance. If everything is tight you will seize up and it makes ongoing turns impossible and your leaps just don't seem as gravity defying because your holding that final upward breath back.
Now my anxiety is vividly returning by way of anger, impatience and silent fears. I experienced Postpartum Depression and it unlocked that hidden box of anxiety. I always used to say that if I was upset, sad or stressed it was ok to feel the emotion. But I never really experienced it in a healthy way. I would lock things into boxes and then they would explode out of me when they surpassed their limits.
I am currently seeing the difference between anxiety and depression. Shortly after my son's birth I felt like a black cloud lived in my being. How do you shoo it away without shooing yourself away? I thought I couldn't. It infuriated me that I was out of control. I often felt like I was having out of body experiences as I found myself screaming at my children, scaring them. Afterward I plagued myself with shame. How could I do this to my children? Why can't I control my emotions? Well, it is because anxiety reigns in my head.
I am currently learning the art of Meditating. As mentioned in my previous post my paradigm is shifting. I am practicing allowing thoughts to float by like clouds. Or fall like leaves to the ground, and if they are malicious I watch them fall into a creek and float away (harder said than done).
Well, this has been magnified these last few days. My biggest struggle in an anxious state is that when I am feeling it strongly I tend to clam up while thoughts yell in my head, or I simply do not filter any thoughts and they come shooting out in raucous yelling and anger. Because I am unable to yell or hardly speak at this time, I feel like my mind is winding into a silence I have never known.
The anxiety has allowed anger, frustration, and impatience to have its way. But it hurts too much to try to yell. So I haven't. I take a deep breath and look at my approach. Does what I have to say need to be yelled? Most likely not. I find myself yelling when the girls fight, but they need a breath. They need a role model, do I have to be perfect? No. But I do have to take the time to catch the appropriate thoughts as they fall and let anything else float by.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
16 February 2016
Let Virtue Garnish Your Thoughts
Garnish your thoughts?
This week I had a profound awakening about thought. You see, with the depression I have been experiencing, I often think very rudely of myself. I don't know that I have been extremely conscious of it, but all of that is now changing.
I started counseling and my therapist said, "You know you aren't your thoughts, right? Thoughts come and go they aren't who you are."
Wow! In the words of this media generation, "MIND BLOWN!" I am having to change my entire paradigm about who I am, my character. I was able to pin my belief system about thought to a quote,
This week I had a profound awakening about thought. You see, with the depression I have been experiencing, I often think very rudely of myself. I don't know that I have been extremely conscious of it, but all of that is now changing.
I started counseling and my therapist said, "You know you aren't your thoughts, right? Thoughts come and go they aren't who you are."
Wow! In the words of this media generation, "MIND BLOWN!" I am having to change my entire paradigm about who I am, my character. I was able to pin my belief system about thought to a quote,
"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your Destiny."
-Accredited to so many people I am unsure who it originated from
Now, this may not seem like it leads in the wrong direction, especially after I think about thought differently. But to me this did not imply anything other than that my thoughts are MINE. Or, in other words, that I create and control them. My sister instructed me to label my thoughts as, "That's a thought." not my thought, but A thought. I hope I am not the only one that sees this as amazing.
My husband also shared with me the phrase, "If you have a good idea, pursue it." Indicating that we must follow good thoughts, act on good thoughts. That is when we began to discuss garnishing thoughts.
The link above leads to a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 121:45 that says, "...let virtue garnish your thoughts unceasingly..." we have decided that means to make them more beautiful. My mom also found a definition I like, decorate or embellish. So when a good thought enters my mind and I want to pursue it, I will most likely embellish it by entertaining it, magnifying it and exploring the options. But I have found that I constantly embellish thoughts showing cruelty to myself, or labeling myself as a failure with the connotation that failing is the WORST thing in existence.
This week has been a bloodbath that started with believing a thought. I believed it because I entertained it often and made it my reality. And so with this new perspective, a battle is ensue. It is hard and exhausting but I also found hope because of an article (among other things).
I encourage you to read Satan's Hidden Arsenal Against Women. If you have depression, it is so helpful. If you don't have depression, it may help you understand that it is a real battle. the authors offered me this one hope- I can choose light! I can constantly return to light. I am going to end with a quote from this article.
"We can always choose. Depression may be weighing us down with a ton of dark matter, but we can still choose to stand up and go live our lives....Indeed, the truth is that many of us cannot choose to stop being depressed. Depression will haunt us our entire lives, rearing its ugly head over and over again. So, no, we don't have that choice. That is the truth that Satan uses to wrap this destructive lie in: that we cannot choose our reaction to depression. And if we believe that lie, he has us. We will turn towards the darkness and sink further and further into it. Satan knows that agency is one of our greatest gifts, and the only thing that will allow us to progress and become stronger. He will do everything he can to everyone he can to make them feel like they cannot choose. With conscientious and strong women, depression is the tool he uses to make us feel powerless. And that powerlessness is always a lie. Never choose darkness. Fight it with everything you have."
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
05 February 2016
Defining Success
Today I found a post on Today's the Best Day, a blog I stumbled upon.
10 Habits Of A Successful Mom
Reading Danielle's post made me reflect on what success is. All too often we define success by looking outward. We may compare ourselves to Mom's that somehow stay super trendy or have amazing planning skills- healthy meals anyone? I've watched longingly in the 'window' of friends homes who have routine down pat. I am learning though that to find success we must look inward through our own windows.
Now, this can be scary, to look at yourself from a different perspective. I have indeed seen things through my window that shook me. Especially as I have felt depressed, but I was also surprised at how many good things I see happening in my home. There is enough good to make some changes bearable. If you look at yourself and home from this point of view, I guarantee that you will not notice so much if your kitchen is spotless or if your hair looked good or not. You will notice whether or not your children feel loved or ignored. One of the negative things I noticed was that my children would play "phone" but it wasn't just talking it was pretending to look at things on their phone, to play videos on their phone. It really hit me hard that there was such a disconnect on my side. Do they really see me doing this so much that they are learning it is how life is? I am addressing this issue, however, that is just one side of the coin.
I also found so much joy in sharing things that I love with them! We do a ballet/creative movement class occasionally. I used to not like teaching toddlers, but now I love it. They follow with such precision and call me "Maestra" (teacher). It's so cute. Sofia has amazing form and the perfect feet for dancing. Lilly has artistry and will make your insides hurt when she dances so dramatically. Another thing they enjoy is becoming artisans of jewelry. My friend and I are working to build our inventory so my girls have been 'helping' me. Sofia has also begun to make her own bed and organize her room. They both love to empty the dishwasher as well. I saw that I successfully taught them both to brush their own teeth, and to do it well.
So, as I hope you see from the positive examples, Not everything you're doing is a failure. Looking through my window, I found that my struggles are valid. Bedtime and cleanliness are real and valid struggles. They are hard for me. But this is where you can look for answers so that weak things may become strong things.
As I suggested in my last post, we really do have to reach out for help sometimes. And it can be so good to watch others interact with our children. You will see how much 'right' you really do and have the opportunity to learn from others as well.
We all can do hard things. It is in them that we will find our successes. Keep pushing forward in faith and cheerfulness!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
10 Habits Of A Successful Mom
Reading Danielle's post made me reflect on what success is. All too often we define success by looking outward. We may compare ourselves to Mom's that somehow stay super trendy or have amazing planning skills- healthy meals anyone? I've watched longingly in the 'window' of friends homes who have routine down pat. I am learning though that to find success we must look inward through our own windows.
Now, this can be scary, to look at yourself from a different perspective. I have indeed seen things through my window that shook me. Especially as I have felt depressed, but I was also surprised at how many good things I see happening in my home. There is enough good to make some changes bearable. If you look at yourself and home from this point of view, I guarantee that you will not notice so much if your kitchen is spotless or if your hair looked good or not. You will notice whether or not your children feel loved or ignored. One of the negative things I noticed was that my children would play "phone" but it wasn't just talking it was pretending to look at things on their phone, to play videos on their phone. It really hit me hard that there was such a disconnect on my side. Do they really see me doing this so much that they are learning it is how life is? I am addressing this issue, however, that is just one side of the coin.
I also found so much joy in sharing things that I love with them! We do a ballet/creative movement class occasionally. I used to not like teaching toddlers, but now I love it. They follow with such precision and call me "Maestra" (teacher). It's so cute. Sofia has amazing form and the perfect feet for dancing. Lilly has artistry and will make your insides hurt when she dances so dramatically. Another thing they enjoy is becoming artisans of jewelry. My friend and I are working to build our inventory so my girls have been 'helping' me. Sofia has also begun to make her own bed and organize her room. They both love to empty the dishwasher as well. I saw that I successfully taught them both to brush their own teeth, and to do it well.
So, as I hope you see from the positive examples, Not everything you're doing is a failure. Looking through my window, I found that my struggles are valid. Bedtime and cleanliness are real and valid struggles. They are hard for me. But this is where you can look for answers so that weak things may become strong things.
As I suggested in my last post, we really do have to reach out for help sometimes. And it can be so good to watch others interact with our children. You will see how much 'right' you really do and have the opportunity to learn from others as well.
We all can do hard things. It is in them that we will find our successes. Keep pushing forward in faith and cheerfulness!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
28 January 2016
Overcome Depression
***Warning***
Well, since we blogged last, there have been a bajillion things happen. I won't go over everything, most of what we've experienced will be in my heart, to ponder. But one of the really wonderful things that happened was the birth of our son! He is so sweet and just a charm. Our three little tots just bring us so much joy.
However, last year I also experienced the very thing that allows me to understand that joy, it's opposite. Laced through different experiences, sadness overwhelmed me. It was also very strongly attached to its friends - anger, guilt, shame, frustration and bitterness.
2015 had the potential to drain all of my desire to feel, it was exhausting. But I want to share some things that have helped me as I fight the uphill battle to feeling worthy of joy and blessings.
1- Lately I have started to pray with a little different vocabulary. Nephi often describes the beginning of his understanding by telling us that he desired something. He desired to know the mysteries of God, and desired room on his plates to write the things of God. In 1 Nephi 10:17 he says, "I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear, and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost..." In the next chapter not only does he state what he desired but during his vision "...the Spirit said unto [him]: Behold, what desirest thou?"
So I started really thinking about what I desire. I noticed that Nephi was required to clarify his belief and then the Spirit rejoiced and praised God because of Nephi. In simply begging that I would know the answers and figure out how to be a better person, I wasn't truly being honest with what I wanted, or at least not developing it far enough.
What I desire is to show my children that Christ has comfort but that if one diligently seeks Him, He will teach us how to overcome our weakness through Him. It opened my mind to the fact that my children need to hear me apologize to them when I lose it, but also hear me talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ and see that He is the source they also can turn to.
2- Scripture Study and Prayer are one. They do not go 'hand in hand' for me. This wasn't a new concept to me but has indeed become more dear to my heart. Prayer is a conversation. But it can happen in so many ways- For example, Anne Shirley said that if she really wanted to pray she would go out into a large field, look up to the heavens, and simply feel a prayer. (Anne of Green Gables) Sometimes I feel prayer. My thoughts' direction is to Heavenly Father but then I just bask in emotion. I often sit serenely with my soul connected to the heavens and just smile about a moment, understanding, or thought. Other times I cry, sob, whimper, and have been known to wail in agony.
But the thing that is comforting to me is that God also has various ways of answering. At times I am impressed to sit in the temple just to feel the wonderment of all that can be revealed and the basicness of the gospel. Other times I study the scriptures and find that I can relate with those that have gone before me. I have dreamt life answers and also worked (blood, sweat, and tears) to grasp a vague understanding over a moment. His answers are tailor-made for us. He understands us better than us, so I think sometimes it takes us a while to know how to discover the treasures He tucks into the answers but they are ample.
3- People want to help! Often they will do so without knowing how much they stir your soul. As I have forced myself to feel all of the ugly and let it be seen, true kindred spirits have stepped up to support me, teach me and just love me. Trust them, be vulnerable and then be willing to grab the good that comes of it.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K Morales
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