Making Space

You know, sometimes the anxiety I feel makes my brain want to explode and projects a false identity of space for my life.

ClipArt Kid

When my house starts looking like the picture above, I can guarantee that my mind is in a similar state. I create spaces in my home for creation only when I take the focus off of the anxiety.

Please understand, my home is by no means ever really clean.  My children are master storm debris creators, we are working on the aftermath clean-up pros part.  But the thing is that when my mind is calm and has space to think things through logically, I am more motivated to create a space in my home, my family, and my life for the creation (new and adventurous things).

I am learning to hear the anxiety, recognize its voice and then move on.  I want to move on because the anxiety is usually based on things that are not true or blown out of proportion.  Sometimes anxiety comes up with a lot of what if's that are meant to scare me out of doing something I love, something that soulfills me, or neglect inviting my children to do something soulfilling.  I'm glad I'm recognizing this and am able to enlarge my sphere. Imagine yourself in a sphere, like a very elastic bubble, anxiety wants to shrink that bubble around you until the point that you are in the fetal position.  You take up the least amount of positive space that way. The immense amount of negative space surrounding you feels very heavy this way, breathing even feels like too much strain on your little space.

As I learn not to give heed to the anxiety, not to let it dictate my life, I am able to stretch this sphere of space as far as I want and am seeing that the larger I make it the more it can withstand.  The space of breath and creation is so needed for me to feel complete and it is controlled by my will, not by circumstance.

I took what felt like a huge step toward creating more space to be me over the weekend.  I auditioned for a local artist's original ballet, A King is Born.  Not only that, I signed my girls up as well!  I was both amazed and sore afterward.  I was shocked at what my body could still do, longs to do.  I was also very aware of the amount of work I have to do in the next few months, but I did it.  I will have 3 roles in the work and my girls are so excited to be dancing with mommy!!!

I am nervous and have a lot of body image, capacity, concerns.  I recognize those concerns and am taking measures to make sure I do the best I am capable of doing through exercise and technique practice.  However, I am more excited about being part of this beautiful work than I am concerned about failing.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Something Finished

Drawing tiny little circles is mundane and therapeutic at the same time. Keep on keeping on.

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales

Uninspired

I feel like junk, mostly, I think.  I've noticed that I write when I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel.  I write to try and share some of the inspirations that give me momentum to keep trying.

Most days are not made up of that.  I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day.  Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me!  Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies?  Yes.  Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.

Yesterday I was so grouchy.  My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book.  Know what I found?

Bradley Trevor Greive's The Blue Day Book: A Lesson on Cheering Yourself Up

The girls and I laughed at the funny pictures of all the animals and recognized ourselves in them.  The girls said that I was like the Warthog... uh, yep.

The day before that I had probably dealt out one (or ten) too many spankings.  When I am in a bad place, I spank.  My kids sometimes put a hand up in defense if I'm getting upset.  This makes me lose it with myself even more.  

I have followed enough blogs, read tons of material, and talked to enough women and therapists to know I am not alone in this fight.  If you can relate to anything I'm writing, please get help.  I love therapy because it gives me the tools to fight the ravenous person that takes me over when I'm anxious or depressed.  Before getting therapy there was no hesitation before acting, to reflect on the weight of what I was about to say, scream, or hurt into my children.  Now there is, I don't always heed that moment and have cause to repent daily, habit is hard to break.  But the fact that reason is coming back into my being on a more usual basis means progress.

**If you have not experienced these things, please have compassion for us who do.  It is a very real fight.  I can't count how many times people tell me, "just stop it."  Well, it's a high speed train carrying tons of weight and won't stop on a dime.  I am doing it.  I have invoked the all encompassing powers of the Atonement and am being trained to stop and choose a better course of action.  

It is hard and sometimes I wonder if I have made any real change.  Overall, I know I have.  Some days I am tired of the effort.  But those are the days, like today and yesterday and the day before that I just have to bite the bullet and tell myself that I can slow down on my check list and that the most important thing is that my kids and I make it through the day having successfully navigated my and their emotional needs for that day.

This is real. This is why I blog about depression and anxiety.  This is not a how-to during the post depression period.  I'm in the thick of it.  And I am telling you that I'm going to make it out alright, it's just that right now.  It's a very real, very hard uphill battle.

As a side note, I have not slept well for a week and a half.  Illnesses, teething and insomnia.  I think there is a huge correlation there.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Bedtime & Me Time

I deep breathe myself into a calm and relaxed state before bed.  It's something I've been focusing more on this week to try reverse insomnia.  I was visiting family last week and discussed with my sister not being able to sleep.  At that time I resolved to get into a bedtime routine.

1- My kids also don't sleep enough.
2- I've got a kindergartner on my hands starting Monday, I need her to wake up rested and happy.
3- I feel I need a chance to wind down before getting in bed and lights out.

My kids usually hang out around me, on top of me or very close by until they drift off and go to sleep, then they magically appear in their beds, heehee. I can't wait for them to figure out that the magic is mommy carrying them to bed.  Then again, if I stay on this course maybe they won't need to appear in their beds.  Monday night was the first night of really sticking to the routine, on my part.  The kids listened but with hesitancy.  Last night was awesome.  Dinner, free time, park or reading, bath, brush teeth, song/prayers, bed.  My oldest longs for the structure and is settling into this very gracefully.  My second is not about this at all.  She longs for touching and holding and sleeping on me every night.  But she sleeps in her toddler bed in my room so I tuck her in then start folding laundry or tidying up so she sees me.  Three nights in a row she has fallen asleep by or before 9:00 pm!  That's a 2-3 hour difference from usual!  I think my sister helped them cause she tucked them in on our visit and just kept sending them back to bed if they got up.  They aren't fighting it as much as times past when I tried to implement a bed time.

I have felt really good about doing this.  It's better for all of our health.  We're still working on the early rising time of, ahem, 7:00 am.  6:30 for me.  Today they actually were a bit groggy but soon were giggling and playing together.

For many this all might sound like a simple mommy discipline issue.  In part, but really anxiety and depression keep you from doing even the simplest of things.  I have often felt like a failure because one part of bed time went awry and it would literally unhinge me.  So many nights my husband and kids were asking me not to yell at everyone that I took it to the other extreme and didn't expect anything of anyone.

'Bed time' was non-existent.  My kids weren't falling asleep in a calm state, they would just chat and move or cry until they completely zoned out.  There was nothing peaceful about it.  The whole thing just sounded like cries for help.  But the thoughts in my mind were that if I tried I would just end up screaming and that would be worse than unrest.

Anxiety just lies to you, repeating one undesirable option, one possible outcome, over and over again until you believe it is the only thing, that it is truth.

Taking time to deep breathe purposefully each morning and night has really given me scope.  It also has become a calm time, if I am breathing and my kids need me, instead of yelling the girls have just come up and quietly said, "Mami."

So to recap, breathe, sleep, and believe that you can author new outcomes in your home.

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales

AnnaK Designs

Here's a fun new project I'm working on!

Be inspired, then inspire!

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Mandalas, Children, Immigration, and Answers

This post will feel a bit scrambled, but that is how I feel most of the time. :)

When do you feel you receive revelation or insight into your own life?

I feel so much joy and peace over the insights I've had today.  Yes, I said JOY!  I haven't felt that for a while.

A friend of mine posted the call for someone to paint a large Mandala on their wall at The Loft.  I automatically felt drawn to the project and began doodling.  I doodled 6 different ideas in two days.  I love art, so liberating.  I could get lost in creating these beautiful circles, they are like your soul is pouring itself out on paper.

mandala by: Kristen Hinz

I've been breathing deeply as I doodle and meditating on the motion of my designs.  I guess I've just felt grounded by them.

Today I saw a question posted by a peer in a discussion forum I participate in.  She asked if anyone could relate to the shame talk and guilt she felt over a decision to work while she still has young kids.  I answered out of intuition and ended up with some revealing advice to myself about my children and the daily struggles I have with mothering them.  Here's my response to her-

I am learning this: Your children won't be children forever. But not in the way you might think. My children need to know two things- Mommy and Daddy love them and Heavenly Parents love them. There is a multitude of ways to learn that. Your children are going to grow up and follow their own path. At the end, I believe that we will be asked if we learned to love them no matter what and if we learned to love ourselves, as God does. That means, did you develop yourself as a Goddess? Or do we simply bury our talents while we raise children? There is a multitude of ways to do this as well, but I don't want to digress. Yes, I have felt the sting of shame talk, whether generated by my overactive imagination or guided by cultural undertones, that shame can feel so real. But it isn't who you are. Your children will learn so much from you when you love them and are true to who you are. Part of who you are may be developed or emphasized through work. I am much more patient with my kids when I am working. Something about spending time problem solving in adult settings makes it easier to break that down for them at home. 

I seriously get so caught up in meeting my own standard of parenthood, doing everything "by the book" to ensure that my kids are compassionate, strong-willed, intelligent, seekers of good, etc. 

***News Flash***

There is no book to go by.  I responded to her and then sat re-reading the response and realized that I may be getting in my own way.  Sometimes my kids probably don't know that I love them when I'm a hot mess because I didn't discipline as I 'should have' or when I get mad at myself for spending time drawing a mandala instead of making dinner.  The rage/anger/anxiety that flows from me when I didn't do what I 'should have' done is palpable and I'm sure pushes sentiments of love out the window.  Do my kids starve? No.  Did we eat dinner late? Yes.  

I want to allow the peace and calm I felt while drawing exude any other feeling.  My kids want to know why I spent time doing that if I was just going to be angry afterward.  The next day while I drew, I got them paper too.  Sofia stayed and drew a story.  When she was hungry, she let me know and we both put down our pencils and ate something.  So I learned something, I could allow my joys, talents, and hobbies describe me organically rather than feel shame because I don't fit the perceived mold for moms.  I could be true to myself and still be a good mom. 

Huh, go figure.

In other news, we have an appointment Saturday to review our 601A application with our Consultant before submitting again. I could be taking time to finalize all the last details, but I decided that the true me needed to outlet on social media and on my blog.  

Be true to you- you, your family, and society depend on it.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Conjuring Calm

Yesterday I received a letter from a past clinician for immigration evidence.  I never asked them my diagnosis, I just tried to comply with assignments and do my best to become the outcome they said could be from certain methods and practices.  The letter states the dates of service and the diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder.  I won't lie, seeing depression in my family has made me afraid of those words in connection with me.  But it isn't who I am, it is what I have been experiencing.

I spoke to a young family friend just prior to a crisis that put her in the hospital a few days. She was asking for my encouragement, seeking someone to pull her from her depression.  I don't think that is possible when you're standing in the same plain.  As I spoke to her, I smiled and tried to show love. At one point she very bluntly asked, "How can you smile?  How come I see you as a happy person when you are obviously experiencing similar things as me?" To what extent we experience depression similarly, I don't know.  But that question, wow.  At the time I told her it was a mask, to cover the ugly of what I was really feeling.

Now, I realize how complex we are.  Do I experience happiness every time I smile, no.  I have felt hypocritical in my emotional portrayal of me so many days through this experience.  In fact my moods are often so up and down my anxiety begins rising every time positive moods rise--anticipating the next negative plummet.

I get so angry with myself when I do begin to feel the anxiety and then the dark covering feelings of despair and depression.  But here's where breath comes in.  If I can calm my worrying heart on the rises, it is more likely that my negative feelings will be manageable.  It amazes me the shallow breathing, such as done when nervous or anxious, allows for such profound impacts in emotional sway.  I found this information on Livestrong interesting:

"The limbic system is located centrally and deep in the brain, consisting of several small structures called the hippocampus, the amygdala, the thalamus and the hypothalamus. The limbic system is involved in emotional memory and mood control. While the limbic system is involved with feelings, which are often thought of as spontaneous, the control of feelings and emotions requires high-level cognitive skills and interaction of the limbic system with the other parts of the brain involved in thinking."

According to my therapist deep breathing allows more oxygen to flow to those 'other parts' of the brain, resulting in higher potential control of  feelings and emotions. I say potential because I am learning to train my logic as well.  For so long, logic has been controlled by my emotions, meaning I really had no sound logic represented in my decision making.  It has affected me on so many levels and affected those closest to me, especially my children.

Earlier this month I read a post by Joanna Gaines on Facebook, it was about planting seeds for our children.  She had planted a bush outside of her child's window to purposely attract butterflies and hummingbirds for future enjoyment.  Then, she forgot about it, until one day she witnessed her daughter watching for her hummingbird, letting her mom know she watched for him daily.

This story has brought up so many desires in me and also revealed another fear to shake hands with.  I think it is connected to my deepest unspoken fear of family separation.  I fear that I am carelessly planting seeds of bitterness and resent in my children, of anger and poor emotional logic.  So as I breath and am mindful, I decide to be purposeful.  I want to react and act with intention.  I want to calmly calculate my approaches, with a healthy portion of reckless abandon to be sure.  But I want my children to see me working towards this as well.  I need them to see me honestly in the pit of the fire, as they do every day, and see me taking measured action to get out of the illness that would consume my mind.

Part of the action I am taking to accomplish this, aside from breathing and exercise (which is a way to force me to breathe deeply, haha), is to create an image of myself being calm.  I am to focus on this and know that it is a reality that can be mine.  I am no longer going to pretend to be happy or ashamed if I am happy in the midst of this battle, rather I am going to breathe them in, soaking in them when they come and beckoning them when they are distant.  Just as I will do when I am balanced in logical and emotional thinking.  

Months ago, I couldn't even wake up calmly, but it is slowly coming.  I have experienced serenity in those first moments of waking, something that was elusive much of my life.  So I pray and breathe, repeat, and conjure the person in me that is calm and invite her to sit and stay awhile.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales