Shaking Hands

A very good friend of mine suggested the following, "You must 'confront' the bull head-on.  You must reach down deeper, face to face with that beast, and yank it away.  This shouldn't be with anger, violence or bursts/feats of yelling and hauling things across the planet.  On the contrary, it would only require a calm meditative willingness to shake hands with the truth of what's actually bothering you."

I came to this. I want me to matter, my eternal me. I want it to matter to me. You see, I believe that we are eternal beings who have chosen to experience mortal life as an accelerator for progression. Part of the process is forgetting who we were prior to coming, therefore making it possible to declare who we are here at our discretion.

I have had glimpses, visions, revelations about things that have eternal importance to me. These things, understandings, make up my soul.

You don't see that as a problem, do you? Well it isn't the beast. I think today- thanks to therapy, deep breathing, family, and the inspiring Emily Meyers (The Freckled Fox)- I am ready to shake hands with the beast, my Unspoken, because it is devouring my life.

I want to start by quoting Emily's profile blurb, she says, "Hello, I'm Emily, a lucky wife and mama to 5 little ones, who's always striving to live life to the fullest. My goal is to uplift and inspire as I share that life with you." Emily had to say goodbye to her husband this month after he lost his battle with Cancer. As I looked at photos of the funeral, tears and the beasty truth arose.

My beast is my fear, my anxiety, over losing family to any kind of separation. I fear history could repeat itself and it all but snuffs my eternal being's efforts to live life to the fullest. 

My dad was in an accident when I was just turning 12. He now lives with extreme short-term memory loss, and a broken body that hardly lets him walk properly- let alone run, skip, or try his gymnastic tricks I remember him doing as a child. In result, shortly after the accident, my parents divorced. For all gracious attempts by my parents to make that smooth and keep our family strong, it was traumatizing. Over the years, extended family have, separated themselves from our family, or passed on from mortality and I have gently folded those experiences and tucked them into my heart.

When my husband and I met, I almost immediately asked if he was documented (I know, pushy right?) He said no, but for all the horror stories, I also knew plenty of people in that situation who were able to file and apply on their own. Frankly, it didn't worry me at all. However, with the passing of time and the ever changing Immigration opportunities, I began to fear. Over the years tragic circumstances within our family and those of dear friends have fed my fears with cold, and at times, grotesque realities.

We have actively pursued my husband's visa for five years. A series of political decisions led us to apply for the I601a inadmissibility waiver, a hardship waiver allowing my husband to stay in the US during the process rather than have to return to Mexico.  We were denied in 2014 for lack of sufficient evidence. Now with more experience, understanding and sadly much more evidence of hardship, we will be applying again.

My anxiety level= basket-case, I am through the roof, scare my children, out of my mind anxious. Anxiety and fear have taken my imagination off the charts on what could potentially happen to our family. Without this waiver, the government offers us two choices: separation- my husband returns to Mexico to await pardon and to be granted a visa through the I 601 waiver; or relocation- our entire family heads to Mexico for the latter mentioned process. Potentially, everything could go fine with those options, but if you get a glimpse of the news in Mexico you'll understand. We are personally affected by the murders and unlawful distress that is Mexico.

****Deep Breath**** Exhale****
Here is the thing, I now am willing to shake hands with that fear. It has never allowed me to be completely present for the here and now. I am missing creating a full, head-on, beautiful life with my family. This fear and anxiety have been constantly presenting a 'virtual reality' for me. Causing me to live by reactionary, compulsive behavior.

I am tired. I see the truth of my current situation as beautiful yet allow blinding to make me act as though it isn't. I see this and instead of fixing my lens, anxiety leads me to shame myself. Fear tells me I'm too broken and messed up to change.

BUT, today, I heard myself, the real eternal me that I'm choosing to be. Do you know what I said?

I choose what I have always chosen, Life! I chose Christ in pre-mortal life because He represented a life worth living. Prior to that, I chose to follow Heavenly Father's plan for a trial of mortality because it allows me to choose and create the eternal life worth living.

Hello fear, let us make peace and part ways because I am choosing to live my current life to the fullest. My family deserves to know the real me now, this is when it counts. I cannot allow the uncertainty of my future dictate my present any longer. I know you are not easy to loose from the grasp you have on my mind, but I choose to believe those that give me tools to leave you behind. Adieu.

Is it time to shake hands with your beast?

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales