A thought: maybe we need to redefine the course. Our goal pathway usually focuses on how we will trod and when we want to arrive. Maybe it's time that we all recognize that the pathways we choose also include unforeseeable terrain, monsters/demons/and other travelers. It also might not always supply us with provisions the path. Maybe we need to start knowing that there will be unexpected stops because of hardship or insurmounted beauty to withstand. So when we are forced to stop progressing on the path we can know that it's still progression in the journey. To move forward on the path again is not a matter of overcoming shame or guilt or incapability, but rather wisdom to know it's time the journey continue down the path.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
27 October 2016
03 October 2016
Remembering the Promises
I've been thinking about faith, because of the things discussed in the General Women's Session. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds a General Conference Semi-annually).
I discussed with my good friend, Jane, how I might trust God in a way that recognizes my fears (realistic or not) and allows my faith to lead my fears to the Lord. She reminded me that Heavenly Father not only hears my petitions for my family but loves me enough to desire my same desires for my family.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught that "[faith] cannot violate another person's agency....[nor] force our will upon God."
What do I want from Life and God? Specifically, at this moment, I want our vehicles to sell so that we can pay off some debt and not go into more debt to pay the $585 and $85 fees that we need to turn in with our 601-A application. And, I want this application to be approved. Both rely on decisions made by other people. I questioned if my faith that these things could happen might be erroneous. That perhaps I should not have faith in something that is up to the chances of people's choices.
I respectfully negate that question because I know that there are good people in all aspects of life. What I ask is that those be the people whose eyes see or ears hear of our ads to sell the cars. I ask that the good people working in Immigration will be those that receive, review, and approve our application.
I thought about what my faith is based in; 1- Jesus Christ makes Life, Progression, and Change possible. 2- My ability to become the me I currently can't see. 3- That there is a law, an eternal law, that with no beginning exists: All things will work together for my good because I love and serve God.
That reminded me of a post I wrote a few years ago that I'd like to share part of with you.
I discussed with my good friend, Jane, how I might trust God in a way that recognizes my fears (realistic or not) and allows my faith to lead my fears to the Lord. She reminded me that Heavenly Father not only hears my petitions for my family but loves me enough to desire my same desires for my family.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf taught that "[faith] cannot violate another person's agency....[nor] force our will upon God."
What do I want from Life and God? Specifically, at this moment, I want our vehicles to sell so that we can pay off some debt and not go into more debt to pay the $585 and $85 fees that we need to turn in with our 601-A application. And, I want this application to be approved. Both rely on decisions made by other people. I questioned if my faith that these things could happen might be erroneous. That perhaps I should not have faith in something that is up to the chances of people's choices.
I respectfully negate that question because I know that there are good people in all aspects of life. What I ask is that those be the people whose eyes see or ears hear of our ads to sell the cars. I ask that the good people working in Immigration will be those that receive, review, and approve our application.
I thought about what my faith is based in; 1- Jesus Christ makes Life, Progression, and Change possible. 2- My ability to become the me I currently can't see. 3- That there is a law, an eternal law, that with no beginning exists: All things will work together for my good because I love and serve God.
That reminded me of a post I wrote a few years ago that I'd like to share part of with you.
28 September 2013
" a Fear not to do b good, my sons, for whatsoever ye c sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow d good ye shall also reap good for your e reward." Doctrine and Covenants 6:33.
I find that when I do good things, however small, the greatest blessing I have is contentedness. I find myself to be more joyful. I am able to recognize the good things that others do, however small. The good things they do bring gladness to my life, hope when thinking of my children's future, and opportunity to resolve to be a better me.
Don't be afraid to speak the kind thoughts. Don't fear the kind gesture or good intent, the Lord will make everything alright.
The promises of these scriptures are real and it moves me to hope, to trust that Heavenly Father will take all things that affect my life and He will orchestrate a grand symphony. He will not dismiss my righteous desires and I will not dismiss His ability to turn fear, anxiety, depression, worry, and heartbreak into a life more beautiful than I can imagine.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
27 September 2016
Making Space
You know, sometimes the anxiety I feel makes my brain want to explode and projects a false identity of space for my life.
When my house starts looking like the picture above, I can guarantee that my mind is in a similar state. I create spaces in my home for creation only when I take the focus off of the anxiety.
Please understand, my home is by no means ever really clean. My children are master storm debris creators, we are working on the aftermath clean-up pros part. But the thing is that when my mind is calm and has space to think things through logically, I am more motivated to create a space in my home, my family, and my life for the creation (new and adventurous things).
I am learning to hear the anxiety, recognize its voice and then move on. I want to move on because the anxiety is usually based on things that are not true or blown out of proportion. Sometimes anxiety comes up with a lot of what if's that are meant to scare me out of doing something I love, something that soulfills me, or neglect inviting my children to do something soulfilling. I'm glad I'm recognizing this and am able to enlarge my sphere. Imagine yourself in a sphere, like a very elastic bubble, anxiety wants to shrink that bubble around you until the point that you are in the fetal position. You take up the least amount of positive space that way. The immense amount of negative space surrounding you feels very heavy this way, breathing even feels like too much strain on your little space.
As I learn not to give heed to the anxiety, not to let it dictate my life, I am able to stretch this sphere of space as far as I want and am seeing that the larger I make it the more it can withstand. The space of breath and creation is so needed for me to feel complete and it is controlled by my will, not by circumstance.
I took what felt like a huge step toward creating more space to be me over the weekend. I auditioned for a local artist's original ballet, A King is Born. Not only that, I signed my girls up as well! I was both amazed and sore afterward. I was shocked at what my body could still do, longs to do. I was also very aware of the amount of work I have to do in the next few months, but I did it. I will have 3 roles in the work and my girls are so excited to be dancing with mommy!!!
I am nervous and have a lot of body image, capacity, concerns. I recognize those concerns and am taking measures to make sure I do the best I am capable of doing through exercise and technique practice. However, I am more excited about being part of this beautiful work than I am concerned about failing.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
09 September 2016
Something Finished
Drawing tiny little circles is mundane and therapeutic at the same time. Keep on keeping on.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
Uninspired
I feel like junk, mostly, I think. I've noticed that I write when I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I write to try and share some of the inspirations that give me momentum to keep trying.
Most days are not made up of that. I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day. Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me! Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies? Yes. Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.
Yesterday I was so grouchy. My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book. Know what I found?
Most days are not made up of that. I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day. Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me! Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies? Yes. Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.
Yesterday I was so grouchy. My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book. Know what I found?
The girls and I laughed at the funny pictures of all the animals and recognized ourselves in them. The girls said that I was like the Warthog... uh, yep.
The day before that I had probably dealt out one (or ten) too many spankings. When I am in a bad place, I spank. My kids sometimes put a hand up in defense if I'm getting upset. This makes me lose it with myself even more.
I have followed enough blogs, read tons of material, and talked to enough women and therapists to know I am not alone in this fight. If you can relate to anything I'm writing, please get help. I love therapy because it gives me the tools to fight the ravenous person that takes me over when I'm anxious or depressed. Before getting therapy there was no hesitation before acting, to reflect on the weight of what I was about to say, scream, or hurt into my children. Now there is, I don't always heed that moment and have cause to repent daily, habit is hard to break. But the fact that reason is coming back into my being on a more usual basis means progress.
**If you have not experienced these things, please have compassion for us who do. It is a very real fight. I can't count how many times people tell me, "just stop it." Well, it's a high speed train carrying tons of weight and won't stop on a dime. I am doing it. I have invoked the all encompassing powers of the Atonement and am being trained to stop and choose a better course of action.
It is hard and sometimes I wonder if I have made any real change. Overall, I know I have. Some days I am tired of the effort. But those are the days, like today and yesterday and the day before that I just have to bite the bullet and tell myself that I can slow down on my check list and that the most important thing is that my kids and I make it through the day having successfully navigated my and their emotional needs for that day.
This is real. This is why I blog about depression and anxiety. This is not a how-to during the post depression period. I'm in the thick of it. And I am telling you that I'm going to make it out alright, it's just that right now. It's a very real, very hard uphill battle.
As a side note, I have not slept well for a week and a half. Illnesses, teething and insomnia. I think there is a huge correlation there.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
25 August 2016
Bedtime & Me Time
I deep breathe myself into a calm and relaxed state before bed. It's something I've been focusing more on this week to try reverse insomnia. I was visiting family last week and discussed with my sister not being able to sleep. At that time I resolved to get into a bedtime routine.
1- My kids also don't sleep enough.
2- I've got a kindergartner on my hands starting Monday, I need her to wake up rested and happy.
3- I feel I need a chance to wind down before getting in bed and lights out.
My kids usually hang out around me, on top of me or very close by until they drift off and go to sleep, then they magically appear in their beds, heehee. I can't wait for them to figure out that the magic is mommy carrying them to bed. Then again, if I stay on this course maybe they won't need to appear in their beds. Monday night was the first night of really sticking to the routine, on my part. The kids listened but with hesitancy. Last night was awesome. Dinner, free time, park or reading, bath, brush teeth, song/prayers, bed. My oldest longs for the structure and is settling into this very gracefully. My second is not about this at all. She longs for touching and holding and sleeping on me every night. But she sleeps in her toddler bed in my room so I tuck her in then start folding laundry or tidying up so she sees me. Three nights in a row she has fallen asleep by or before 9:00 pm! That's a 2-3 hour difference from usual! I think my sister helped them cause she tucked them in on our visit and just kept sending them back to bed if they got up. They aren't fighting it as much as times past when I tried to implement a bed time.
I have felt really good about doing this. It's better for all of our health. We're still working on the early rising time of, ahem, 7:00 am. 6:30 for me. Today they actually were a bit groggy but soon were giggling and playing together.
For many this all might sound like a simple mommy discipline issue. In part, but really anxiety and depression keep you from doing even the simplest of things. I have often felt like a failure because one part of bed time went awry and it would literally unhinge me. So many nights my husband and kids were asking me not to yell at everyone that I took it to the other extreme and didn't expect anything of anyone.
'Bed time' was non-existent. My kids weren't falling asleep in a calm state, they would just chat and move or cry until they completely zoned out. There was nothing peaceful about it. The whole thing just sounded like cries for help. But the thoughts in my mind were that if I tried I would just end up screaming and that would be worse than unrest.
Anxiety just lies to you, repeating one undesirable option, one possible outcome, over and over again until you believe it is the only thing, that it is truth.
Taking time to deep breathe purposefully each morning and night has really given me scope. It also has become a calm time, if I am breathing and my kids need me, instead of yelling the girls have just come up and quietly said, "Mami."
So to recap, breathe, sleep, and believe that you can author new outcomes in your home.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
1- My kids also don't sleep enough.
2- I've got a kindergartner on my hands starting Monday, I need her to wake up rested and happy.
3- I feel I need a chance to wind down before getting in bed and lights out.
My kids usually hang out around me, on top of me or very close by until they drift off and go to sleep, then they magically appear in their beds, heehee. I can't wait for them to figure out that the magic is mommy carrying them to bed. Then again, if I stay on this course maybe they won't need to appear in their beds. Monday night was the first night of really sticking to the routine, on my part. The kids listened but with hesitancy. Last night was awesome. Dinner, free time, park or reading, bath, brush teeth, song/prayers, bed. My oldest longs for the structure and is settling into this very gracefully. My second is not about this at all. She longs for touching and holding and sleeping on me every night. But she sleeps in her toddler bed in my room so I tuck her in then start folding laundry or tidying up so she sees me. Three nights in a row she has fallen asleep by or before 9:00 pm! That's a 2-3 hour difference from usual! I think my sister helped them cause she tucked them in on our visit and just kept sending them back to bed if they got up. They aren't fighting it as much as times past when I tried to implement a bed time.
I have felt really good about doing this. It's better for all of our health. We're still working on the early rising time of, ahem, 7:00 am. 6:30 for me. Today they actually were a bit groggy but soon were giggling and playing together.
For many this all might sound like a simple mommy discipline issue. In part, but really anxiety and depression keep you from doing even the simplest of things. I have often felt like a failure because one part of bed time went awry and it would literally unhinge me. So many nights my husband and kids were asking me not to yell at everyone that I took it to the other extreme and didn't expect anything of anyone.
'Bed time' was non-existent. My kids weren't falling asleep in a calm state, they would just chat and move or cry until they completely zoned out. There was nothing peaceful about it. The whole thing just sounded like cries for help. But the thoughts in my mind were that if I tried I would just end up screaming and that would be worse than unrest.
Anxiety just lies to you, repeating one undesirable option, one possible outcome, over and over again until you believe it is the only thing, that it is truth.
Taking time to deep breathe purposefully each morning and night has really given me scope. It also has become a calm time, if I am breathing and my kids need me, instead of yelling the girls have just come up and quietly said, "Mami."
So to recap, breathe, sleep, and believe that you can author new outcomes in your home.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
10 August 2016
AnnaK Designs
Here's a fun new project I'm working on!
Be inspired, then inspire!
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)