***Warning***
Well, since we blogged last, there have been a bajillion things happen. I won't go over everything, most of what we've experienced will be in my heart, to ponder. But one of the really wonderful things that happened was the birth of our son! He is so sweet and just a charm. Our three little tots just bring us so much joy.
However, last year I also experienced the very thing that allows me to understand that joy, it's opposite. Laced through different experiences, sadness overwhelmed me. It was also very strongly attached to its friends - anger, guilt, shame, frustration and bitterness.
2015 had the potential to drain all of my desire to feel, it was exhausting. But I want to share some things that have helped me as I fight the uphill battle to feeling worthy of joy and blessings.
1- Lately I have started to pray with a little different vocabulary. Nephi often describes the beginning of his understanding by telling us that he desired something. He desired to know the mysteries of God, and desired room on his plates to write the things of God. In 1 Nephi 10:17 he says, "I, Nephi, was desirous also that I might see, and hear, and know of these things, by the power of the Holy Ghost..." In the next chapter not only does he state what he desired but during his vision "...the Spirit said unto [him]: Behold, what desirest thou?"
So I started really thinking about what I desire. I noticed that Nephi was required to clarify his belief and then the Spirit rejoiced and praised God because of Nephi. In simply begging that I would know the answers and figure out how to be a better person, I wasn't truly being honest with what I wanted, or at least not developing it far enough.
What I desire is to show my children that Christ has comfort but that if one diligently seeks Him, He will teach us how to overcome our weakness through Him. It opened my mind to the fact that my children need to hear me apologize to them when I lose it, but also hear me talk of Christ, rejoice in Christ and see that He is the source they also can turn to.
2- Scripture Study and Prayer are one. They do not go 'hand in hand' for me. This wasn't a new concept to me but has indeed become more dear to my heart. Prayer is a conversation. But it can happen in so many ways- For example, Anne Shirley said that if she really wanted to pray she would go out into a large field, look up to the heavens, and simply feel a prayer. (Anne of Green Gables) Sometimes I feel prayer. My thoughts' direction is to Heavenly Father but then I just bask in emotion. I often sit serenely with my soul connected to the heavens and just smile about a moment, understanding, or thought. Other times I cry, sob, whimper, and have been known to wail in agony.
But the thing that is comforting to me is that God also has various ways of answering. At times I am impressed to sit in the temple just to feel the wonderment of all that can be revealed and the basicness of the gospel. Other times I study the scriptures and find that I can relate with those that have gone before me. I have dreamt life answers and also worked (blood, sweat, and tears) to grasp a vague understanding over a moment. His answers are tailor-made for us. He understands us better than us, so I think sometimes it takes us a while to know how to discover the treasures He tucks into the answers but they are ample.
3- People want to help! Often they will do so without knowing how much they stir your soul. As I have forced myself to feel all of the ugly and let it be seen, true kindred spirits have stepped up to support me, teach me and just love me. Trust them, be vulnerable and then be willing to grab the good that comes of it.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K Morales
