Conjuring Calm

Yesterday I received a letter from a past clinician for immigration evidence.  I never asked them my diagnosis, I just tried to comply with assignments and do my best to become the outcome they said could be from certain methods and practices.  The letter states the dates of service and the diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder.  I won't lie, seeing depression in my family has made me afraid of those words in connection with me.  But it isn't who I am, it is what I have been experiencing.

I spoke to a young family friend just prior to a crisis that put her in the hospital a few days. She was asking for my encouragement, seeking someone to pull her from her depression.  I don't think that is possible when you're standing in the same plain.  As I spoke to her, I smiled and tried to show love. At one point she very bluntly asked, "How can you smile?  How come I see you as a happy person when you are obviously experiencing similar things as me?" To what extent we experience depression similarly, I don't know.  But that question, wow.  At the time I told her it was a mask, to cover the ugly of what I was really feeling.

Now, I realize how complex we are.  Do I experience happiness every time I smile, no.  I have felt hypocritical in my emotional portrayal of me so many days through this experience.  In fact my moods are often so up and down my anxiety begins rising every time positive moods rise--anticipating the next negative plummet.

I get so angry with myself when I do begin to feel the anxiety and then the dark covering feelings of despair and depression.  But here's where breath comes in.  If I can calm my worrying heart on the rises, it is more likely that my negative feelings will be manageable.  It amazes me the shallow breathing, such as done when nervous or anxious, allows for such profound impacts in emotional sway.  I found this information on Livestrong interesting:

"The limbic system is located centrally and deep in the brain, consisting of several small structures called the hippocampus, the amygdala, the thalamus and the hypothalamus. The limbic system is involved in emotional memory and mood control. While the limbic system is involved with feelings, which are often thought of as spontaneous, the control of feelings and emotions requires high-level cognitive skills and interaction of the limbic system with the other parts of the brain involved in thinking."

According to my therapist deep breathing allows more oxygen to flow to those 'other parts' of the brain, resulting in higher potential control of  feelings and emotions. I say potential because I am learning to train my logic as well.  For so long, logic has been controlled by my emotions, meaning I really had no sound logic represented in my decision making.  It has affected me on so many levels and affected those closest to me, especially my children.

Earlier this month I read a post by Joanna Gaines on Facebook, it was about planting seeds for our children.  She had planted a bush outside of her child's window to purposely attract butterflies and hummingbirds for future enjoyment.  Then, she forgot about it, until one day she witnessed her daughter watching for her hummingbird, letting her mom know she watched for him daily.

This story has brought up so many desires in me and also revealed another fear to shake hands with.  I think it is connected to my deepest unspoken fear of family separation.  I fear that I am carelessly planting seeds of bitterness and resent in my children, of anger and poor emotional logic.  So as I breath and am mindful, I decide to be purposeful.  I want to react and act with intention.  I want to calmly calculate my approaches, with a healthy portion of reckless abandon to be sure.  But I want my children to see me working towards this as well.  I need them to see me honestly in the pit of the fire, as they do every day, and see me taking measured action to get out of the illness that would consume my mind.

Part of the action I am taking to accomplish this, aside from breathing and exercise (which is a way to force me to breathe deeply, haha), is to create an image of myself being calm.  I am to focus on this and know that it is a reality that can be mine.  I am no longer going to pretend to be happy or ashamed if I am happy in the midst of this battle, rather I am going to breathe them in, soaking in them when they come and beckoning them when they are distant.  Just as I will do when I am balanced in logical and emotional thinking.  

Months ago, I couldn't even wake up calmly, but it is slowly coming.  I have experienced serenity in those first moments of waking, something that was elusive much of my life.  So I pray and breathe, repeat, and conjure the person in me that is calm and invite her to sit and stay awhile.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Exercise

My therapist encouraged me to add one more day/week of exercise to help enhance my mental health for the better.  Well, I decided it could be good to do this with my kids, it was physical and mental exercise.

All day I have been struggling not to yell at them.  Sofia even said, "Mom, you're forgetting to breath." She admitted to me that when she takes a bath she practices my breathing technique and names things in the room softly so as not to make a lot of noise.  Love her.

I decided to try ending our before dinner time cheerfully by exercising with them.  Here's to the Day 1's of our lives, onward and upward.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales

Effectual Struggle

Today I listened to a BYU-I Devotional by Sheri Dew given in March of this year, it is entitled Will You Engage in the Wrestle? 

Several weeks ago I had heard a clip someone posted to social media and had acted on it.  In the clip I watched, she gave out the following invitation, "[T]here are two questions that will help open the heavens. First, ask the Lord to teach you what it feels and sounds like for you when He is speaking to you via the Holy Ghost, and then watch how He tutors you. And, second, if you've never asked the Lord how He feels about you, that is a great question to ask. In time, He will tell you, and as He does, you'll learn more about speaking His language."

I had never asked either of those questions, and you know what? Asking how he speaks to me changed the way I pray. I found that He will respond in real time if I give Him a moment to do so.  Before I would pray without pause, end the prayer, listen for any impression, then go about my day- trying to keep pondering my prayer and looking for answers in the scriptures.

Now I have a conversation asking questions and listening to responses in the same moment.  I found that Heavenly Father guides me to certain scriptures, or comforts me, or gives me direct answers as I take time to listen.

After talking to my good friend, who mentioned other portions of this devotional, I decided to listen to it entirely.  I felt so much confirmation that as I am leaving the bonds of anxiety and fear, my questions and seeking credible help is the correct approach.  Scripture study, attentive prayer, family, professional help, and inspired friends have all been tools/resources that have lifted me.  But also, learning to ask the right questions has opened doors to healing.

I used to have a math teacher that would give an example and then set us to work.  She would go around waiting for someone to need her then simply point out where you went awry in your calculations.  You were then responsible to go back and do the work until you understood and solved the problem.  From this experience I learned to ask, in math, "Where did I miss something?" rather than say, "I don't get it, help me."

This devotional talk reminded me of that experience and I feel it is a lesson I need now as I battle habits.  I love that her points focus around questions being a faithful persons way of seeking truth, but that it is a wrestle it takes work and dedicated labor to receive answers through revelation.

I am reminded of a scripture when King Limhi says, "O ye, my people, lift up your heads and be comforted; for behold, the time is at hand, or is not far distant, when we shall no longer be in subjection to our enemies, notwithstanding our many strugglings, which have been in vain; yet I trust there remaineth an effectual struggle to be made." Mosiah 7:18

I know that fear and anxiety are enemies to whom I have been subject. I no longer only cry out to the Lord for help, I am letting Him know I am willing to engage in an effectual struggle.  By asking specific questions looking for His wisdom, I am opening the door for learning the Lord's way.  I am willing for His ways to affect all aspects of my life, starting with the way I think and problem solve.  I am ready to "cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed." (Doctrine & Covenants 123:17), by first seeking to know what lies in my power with intent to act on the answer.

Con mucho amor,
~Anna

What's Working for Me

It's been three days since I stated my real fear plainly.  I want to share how these days have gone. I need to continue seeing this fear as it really is.  I think exposure will help in the wilting process.

As I mentioned in my last post, I know fear isn't an easy thing to loose from my mind. But I can say the difference in my approach has changed.  There are some tools that I am using to help me and it all feels different.

I mentioned breathing.  Deep breathing can directly influence logical thinking.  So instead of blowing up in an instant, I breath and calculate how I need to approach each situation with balance.  My sister also shared a tool that helps ground me: look and note things that are in the room.  As much as this works for me, it also works for my children.  This is what it has been like the last couple of days:

Children screaming for the gazillionth time.  I attempt to calm them but they go savage.  For reasons I am still researching, this triggers my freak out mode. I understand screaming is annoying and disobedience is as well, but I know there is a logical and effective way for me to help them without screaming at them, intimidating them, or scaring them.

With a few expected exceptions, I have successfully acknowledged the trigger, taken a step back (literally) from my children and began to inhale deeply, exhale slowly.  After doing this a few times I say something as, "Chair, Brick, food on the floor, girls, stain on my shirt, diaper."

As I state what I see the girls usually start looking around, noticing what I point out.  Sofia has laughed every time. Lilly is usually still upset but gets quiet, trying to figure out why I'm doing this.

Then I breath deeply again before addressing the issue at hand OR sometimes distracting from the issue at hand.  I have found that sometimes they don't need me to address or fix every fight.  I think sometimes my attention directly at the sisterly argument at hand simply feeds the flame.  So when I find an approach that works for us, I will try to teach them resolving skills.  Sometimes I just explain that they need to find a solution without screaming... that's worked probably 3 of 7 times.

As I said, there have been exceptions.  I have not been perfect in my calming down practices.  I am discovering that my anxiety has many habits that I need to recognize and redirect.  There are many reactions that I catch myself doing, as in I already started before I realize what I'm doing.  For instance, part of my experience is that I am a very kinesthetic person.  My body tends to move in response to anxious or tense situations.  I am working on grabbing something in these moments so that my hands don't land on my children first.  This has been a scary realization, but I know I can master my responses rather than simply react compulsively.

I know that as I take those weaknesses to the Lord, He will make them strong areas for me. However, that is one approach I'm also changing. With help from my friends, family and therapist, I am studying the weaknesses out and going to the Lord with a plan prior to asking for Father's guidance.  I am quite certain He can show me weakness in my plan, but I also know He will consecrate my plan.

As I begin to implement more of the tools I am given, I will share how they have affected me.  ***I want to note that the things I discuss are personal to my growth and are being implemented under guidance and direction from trained mental health professionals.  This along with prayer, personal study, and encouraging family and friends are a plan unique to my situation.  If you find you are struggling with similar beasts, please seek professional help. I should note that my sister is also an LCSW, so the method I shared from her has scientific grounds.

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales