Shaking Hands

A very good friend of mine suggested the following, "You must 'confront' the bull head-on.  You must reach down deeper, face to face with that beast, and yank it away.  This shouldn't be with anger, violence or bursts/feats of yelling and hauling things across the planet.  On the contrary, it would only require a calm meditative willingness to shake hands with the truth of what's actually bothering you."

I came to this. I want me to matter, my eternal me. I want it to matter to me. You see, I believe that we are eternal beings who have chosen to experience mortal life as an accelerator for progression. Part of the process is forgetting who we were prior to coming, therefore making it possible to declare who we are here at our discretion.

I have had glimpses, visions, revelations about things that have eternal importance to me. These things, understandings, make up my soul.

You don't see that as a problem, do you? Well it isn't the beast. I think today- thanks to therapy, deep breathing, family, and the inspiring Emily Meyers (The Freckled Fox)- I am ready to shake hands with the beast, my Unspoken, because it is devouring my life.

I want to start by quoting Emily's profile blurb, she says, "Hello, I'm Emily, a lucky wife and mama to 5 little ones, who's always striving to live life to the fullest. My goal is to uplift and inspire as I share that life with you." Emily had to say goodbye to her husband this month after he lost his battle with Cancer. As I looked at photos of the funeral, tears and the beasty truth arose.

My beast is my fear, my anxiety, over losing family to any kind of separation. I fear history could repeat itself and it all but snuffs my eternal being's efforts to live life to the fullest. 

My dad was in an accident when I was just turning 12. He now lives with extreme short-term memory loss, and a broken body that hardly lets him walk properly- let alone run, skip, or try his gymnastic tricks I remember him doing as a child. In result, shortly after the accident, my parents divorced. For all gracious attempts by my parents to make that smooth and keep our family strong, it was traumatizing. Over the years, extended family have, separated themselves from our family, or passed on from mortality and I have gently folded those experiences and tucked them into my heart.

When my husband and I met, I almost immediately asked if he was documented (I know, pushy right?) He said no, but for all the horror stories, I also knew plenty of people in that situation who were able to file and apply on their own. Frankly, it didn't worry me at all. However, with the passing of time and the ever changing Immigration opportunities, I began to fear. Over the years tragic circumstances within our family and those of dear friends have fed my fears with cold, and at times, grotesque realities.

We have actively pursued my husband's visa for five years. A series of political decisions led us to apply for the I601a inadmissibility waiver, a hardship waiver allowing my husband to stay in the US during the process rather than have to return to Mexico.  We were denied in 2014 for lack of sufficient evidence. Now with more experience, understanding and sadly much more evidence of hardship, we will be applying again.

My anxiety level= basket-case, I am through the roof, scare my children, out of my mind anxious. Anxiety and fear have taken my imagination off the charts on what could potentially happen to our family. Without this waiver, the government offers us two choices: separation- my husband returns to Mexico to await pardon and to be granted a visa through the I 601 waiver; or relocation- our entire family heads to Mexico for the latter mentioned process. Potentially, everything could go fine with those options, but if you get a glimpse of the news in Mexico you'll understand. We are personally affected by the murders and unlawful distress that is Mexico.

****Deep Breath**** Exhale****
Here is the thing, I now am willing to shake hands with that fear. It has never allowed me to be completely present for the here and now. I am missing creating a full, head-on, beautiful life with my family. This fear and anxiety have been constantly presenting a 'virtual reality' for me. Causing me to live by reactionary, compulsive behavior.

I am tired. I see the truth of my current situation as beautiful yet allow blinding to make me act as though it isn't. I see this and instead of fixing my lens, anxiety leads me to shame myself. Fear tells me I'm too broken and messed up to change.

BUT, today, I heard myself, the real eternal me that I'm choosing to be. Do you know what I said?

I choose what I have always chosen, Life! I chose Christ in pre-mortal life because He represented a life worth living. Prior to that, I chose to follow Heavenly Father's plan for a trial of mortality because it allows me to choose and create the eternal life worth living.

Hello fear, let us make peace and part ways because I am choosing to live my current life to the fullest. My family deserves to know the real me now, this is when it counts. I cannot allow the uncertainty of my future dictate my present any longer. I know you are not easy to loose from the grasp you have on my mind, but I choose to believe those that give me tools to leave you behind. Adieu.

Is it time to shake hands with your beast?

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales

Back to the Basics

"When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?" - Elder Donald L. Hallstrom

As I've lacked uninterrupted access to a keyboard, I have subsequently stopped updating my blog. Not sharing my thoughts is like carrying rocks in a basket. All of these things add up and I feel my basket will burst if I don't share. So, I'm typing on my phone, a thing I hate to do. Wish me luck.

If I could ever sum up all of my experiences with anxiety and conversations in the last month and a half, the quote above might capture the most oft asked question to myself. Do I trust my Father?

Now, I don't want anyone to assume that this question means, we don't have enough faith, or that anxiety and depression simply are a matter of faith. Please don't shame yourself for these things. I do not suggest, nor will I ever, that we simply can choose our way out of this with one giant leap of faith. I don't believe that. I believe that our minds are intricate and delicate yet just like the intricate muscles of our hands, we can learn to exercise things that will reshape our thinking and outlook.

The reason I bring trust into the conversation is this: I know that there is a stigma out there about therapy and therapists. I had a good experience on my first go round, so I should have no reason to doubt I can have it again, right? Well, I do doubt. So my question is, would I rather continue all of my life experiences in anxiety or fear? Or do I trust that the Lord is going to provide people in my life who are capable of teaching me a new approach?

I have good friends that I have spoken with in the last month and I plan to continue to seek them out. But for all the testimony and buoying up, I still feel the void of professional help. What I mean is, I recognize and value the knowledge and mapping a social worker can provide. I have yet to meet a clinician that only listens and provides no guidance. Though I have only seen a therapist once, I have worked with a few and my sister is a Social Worker.

It is my belief that their apt for compassion and learning about the workings of mental health are gifts, talents, both innate to them and given by God. So, do I trust Him that I am worth the investment? I am able to learn and change my understanding about anxieties. I am capable of being assertive and finding resources to guide me as I step forward in faith. Part of the resources I need is to speak out all of my cluttered thoughts and have them labeled with an approach to process it all.

So, I'm stepping up to the challenge and will use all of my resources. I'm looking to start therapy again this week. What resources have you used and how have they shaped your outlook?

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales