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I've decided that my current perception of depression and anxiety are very much like ellipsis.  Not that they are skipped over but rather encompass a set of ellipsis.  That set of ellipsis represents a multitude of thoughts and emotions that pulse through me as I transition between waves of anxiety and depression.  It is in these ellipsis that I fail or triumph and learn.

If we zoomed into the ellipsis of my mind, like scientific movies zoom in on cells, we would find a monumental battle ensuing.  I have had quite a few people ask me how I over came my depression, because I have felt so much better in these last couple of months and it is almost palpable.

BUT, I always answer that it isn't over and we ought not be deceived into thinking the condition has passed. The thing is that many people continue having attacks flung on them, even though they smile. For me personally, the storms of depression are still a magnitude like unto any that contributed to keeping me in bed an entire day, or turning me into a monster toward my children and husband.  It's still very much real and very painful.

BUT, I have come to a point of eureka.  I have found it, that moment so microscopic that it literally took me months to even fathom a "pause" between thought and reaction.  I couldn't see it, when Therapists would mention pausing, or breathing, or even recognizing an erroneous thought, I repeatedly asked, "HOW?!"

So I was taught to work backward from the situations I found myself in. Starting with negating the shame that came about every time I hurt someone or sent normal situations flying to crazy in .02 seconds. I came to understand that the feeling of shame fed my next entertainment of the adversaries thoughts that flooded my mind in the aftermath of negative reactions.

I then found it possible to find a pause mid reaction. I became as familiar as possible with the tool I was given and tried to breathe them into my being. My reactions began to be shortened and with each cut, each pause, I heard a little voice of reason asking, "Is this an appropriate response to the matter at hand?"  The more I listened to that tiny profound voice, the sooner I craved it and the sooner it delivered.

You see, depression is a very overwhelming feeling.  It is hard to describe, but when it is prevalent, I think your entire being craves something as powerful, anything other than that doom.  Which, in my theory, is why anxiety easily couples depression.  Anxiety feeds secondary emotions, giving them strength to lash out.  In my case, that secondary was often anger. No, wrath.  My ignorance of this entire realm of depression allowed my anger to become a beast, not just an inclination.  The process of battling, then breaking and calming that beast to a trained tool is still a goal, not a complete success.

Now, I have found that point of being able to ask if my response will be appropriate before it comes out of me.

BUT, that is not to say the urge and the attack don't entice me, that they don't win sometimes. Because they do, some days I simply lose grip of my reigns and I have to fight my way back to getting them in hand again.

I can smile more now, and choose to do so in spite of the gloom because, for the most part, I have found that I can control my reactions.  It's hard and often takes all mental and physical stamina. Just like retraining a muscle after atrophy, the joy of having full use and ability of your limbs is undeniable.

Please, keep fighting, I know you're tired and sometimes don't know how to battle effectively. I know it's hard to find allies, but please don't stop searching for those who will help you succeed and teach you the way through the battlefield. There will be a time when you too will exlaim, Eureka!

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales