It's been three days since I stated my real fear plainly. I want to share how these days have gone. I need to continue seeing this fear as it really is. I think exposure will help in the wilting process.
As I mentioned in my last post, I know fear isn't an easy thing to loose from my mind. But I can say the difference in my approach has changed. There are some tools that I am using to help me and it all feels different.
I mentioned breathing. Deep breathing can directly influence logical thinking. So instead of blowing up in an instant, I breath and calculate how I need to approach each situation with balance. My sister also shared a tool that helps ground me: look and note things that are in the room. As much as this works for me, it also works for my children. This is what it has been like the last couple of days:
Children screaming for the gazillionth time. I attempt to calm them but they go savage. For reasons I am still researching, this triggers my freak out mode. I understand screaming is annoying and disobedience is as well, but I know there is a logical and effective way for me to help them without screaming at them, intimidating them, or scaring them.
With a few expected exceptions, I have successfully acknowledged the trigger, taken a step back (literally) from my children and began to inhale deeply, exhale slowly. After doing this a few times I say something as, "Chair, Brick, food on the floor, girls, stain on my shirt, diaper."
As I state what I see the girls usually start looking around, noticing what I point out. Sofia has laughed every time. Lilly is usually still upset but gets quiet, trying to figure out why I'm doing this.
Then I breath deeply again before addressing the issue at hand OR sometimes distracting from the issue at hand. I have found that sometimes they don't need me to address or fix every fight. I think sometimes my attention directly at the sisterly argument at hand simply feeds the flame. So when I find an approach that works for us, I will try to teach them resolving skills. Sometimes I just explain that they need to find a solution without screaming... that's worked probably 3 of 7 times.
As I said, there have been exceptions. I have not been perfect in my calming down practices. I am discovering that my anxiety has many habits that I need to recognize and redirect. There are many reactions that I catch myself doing, as in I already started before I realize what I'm doing. For instance, part of my experience is that I am a very kinesthetic person. My body tends to move in response to anxious or tense situations. I am working on grabbing something in these moments so that my hands don't land on my children first. This has been a scary realization, but I know I can master my responses rather than simply react compulsively.
I know that as I take those weaknesses to the Lord, He will make them strong areas for me. However, that is one approach I'm also changing. With help from my friends, family and therapist, I am studying the weaknesses out and going to the Lord with a plan prior to asking for Father's guidance. I am quite certain He can show me weakness in my plan, but I also know He will consecrate my plan.
As I begin to implement more of the tools I am given, I will share how they have affected me. ***I want to note that the things I discuss are personal to my growth and are being implemented under guidance and direction from trained mental health professionals. This along with prayer, personal study, and encouraging family and friends are a plan unique to my situation. If you find you are struggling with similar beasts, please seek professional help. I should note that my sister is also an LCSW, so the method I shared from her has scientific grounds.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
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