Conjuring Calm

Yesterday I received a letter from a past clinician for immigration evidence.  I never asked them my diagnosis, I just tried to comply with assignments and do my best to become the outcome they said could be from certain methods and practices.  The letter states the dates of service and the diagnosis of Major Depression Disorder.  I won't lie, seeing depression in my family has made me afraid of those words in connection with me.  But it isn't who I am, it is what I have been experiencing.

I spoke to a young family friend just prior to a crisis that put her in the hospital a few days. She was asking for my encouragement, seeking someone to pull her from her depression.  I don't think that is possible when you're standing in the same plain.  As I spoke to her, I smiled and tried to show love. At one point she very bluntly asked, "How can you smile?  How come I see you as a happy person when you are obviously experiencing similar things as me?" To what extent we experience depression similarly, I don't know.  But that question, wow.  At the time I told her it was a mask, to cover the ugly of what I was really feeling.

Now, I realize how complex we are.  Do I experience happiness every time I smile, no.  I have felt hypocritical in my emotional portrayal of me so many days through this experience.  In fact my moods are often so up and down my anxiety begins rising every time positive moods rise--anticipating the next negative plummet.

I get so angry with myself when I do begin to feel the anxiety and then the dark covering feelings of despair and depression.  But here's where breath comes in.  If I can calm my worrying heart on the rises, it is more likely that my negative feelings will be manageable.  It amazes me the shallow breathing, such as done when nervous or anxious, allows for such profound impacts in emotional sway.  I found this information on Livestrong interesting:

"The limbic system is located centrally and deep in the brain, consisting of several small structures called the hippocampus, the amygdala, the thalamus and the hypothalamus. The limbic system is involved in emotional memory and mood control. While the limbic system is involved with feelings, which are often thought of as spontaneous, the control of feelings and emotions requires high-level cognitive skills and interaction of the limbic system with the other parts of the brain involved in thinking."

According to my therapist deep breathing allows more oxygen to flow to those 'other parts' of the brain, resulting in higher potential control of  feelings and emotions. I say potential because I am learning to train my logic as well.  For so long, logic has been controlled by my emotions, meaning I really had no sound logic represented in my decision making.  It has affected me on so many levels and affected those closest to me, especially my children.

Earlier this month I read a post by Joanna Gaines on Facebook, it was about planting seeds for our children.  She had planted a bush outside of her child's window to purposely attract butterflies and hummingbirds for future enjoyment.  Then, she forgot about it, until one day she witnessed her daughter watching for her hummingbird, letting her mom know she watched for him daily.

This story has brought up so many desires in me and also revealed another fear to shake hands with.  I think it is connected to my deepest unspoken fear of family separation.  I fear that I am carelessly planting seeds of bitterness and resent in my children, of anger and poor emotional logic.  So as I breath and am mindful, I decide to be purposeful.  I want to react and act with intention.  I want to calmly calculate my approaches, with a healthy portion of reckless abandon to be sure.  But I want my children to see me working towards this as well.  I need them to see me honestly in the pit of the fire, as they do every day, and see me taking measured action to get out of the illness that would consume my mind.

Part of the action I am taking to accomplish this, aside from breathing and exercise (which is a way to force me to breathe deeply, haha), is to create an image of myself being calm.  I am to focus on this and know that it is a reality that can be mine.  I am no longer going to pretend to be happy or ashamed if I am happy in the midst of this battle, rather I am going to breathe them in, soaking in them when they come and beckoning them when they are distant.  Just as I will do when I am balanced in logical and emotional thinking.  

Months ago, I couldn't even wake up calmly, but it is slowly coming.  I have experienced serenity in those first moments of waking, something that was elusive much of my life.  So I pray and breathe, repeat, and conjure the person in me that is calm and invite her to sit and stay awhile.

Con mucho amor,

~Anna K. Morales