When my house starts looking like the picture above, I can guarantee that my mind is in a similar state. I create spaces in my home for creation only when I take the focus off of the anxiety.
Please understand, my home is by no means ever really clean. My children are master storm debris creators, we are working on the aftermath clean-up pros part. But the thing is that when my mind is calm and has space to think things through logically, I am more motivated to create a space in my home, my family, and my life for the creation (new and adventurous things).
I am learning to hear the anxiety, recognize its voice and then move on. I want to move on because the anxiety is usually based on things that are not true or blown out of proportion. Sometimes anxiety comes up with a lot of what if's that are meant to scare me out of doing something I love, something that soulfills me, or neglect inviting my children to do something soulfilling. I'm glad I'm recognizing this and am able to enlarge my sphere. Imagine yourself in a sphere, like a very elastic bubble, anxiety wants to shrink that bubble around you until the point that you are in the fetal position. You take up the least amount of positive space that way. The immense amount of negative space surrounding you feels very heavy this way, breathing even feels like too much strain on your little space.
As I learn not to give heed to the anxiety, not to let it dictate my life, I am able to stretch this sphere of space as far as I want and am seeing that the larger I make it the more it can withstand. The space of breath and creation is so needed for me to feel complete and it is controlled by my will, not by circumstance.
I took what felt like a huge step toward creating more space to be me over the weekend. I auditioned for a local artist's original ballet, A King is Born. Not only that, I signed my girls up as well! I was both amazed and sore afterward. I was shocked at what my body could still do, longs to do. I was also very aware of the amount of work I have to do in the next few months, but I did it. I will have 3 roles in the work and my girls are so excited to be dancing with mommy!!!
I am nervous and have a lot of body image, capacity, concerns. I recognize those concerns and am taking measures to make sure I do the best I am capable of doing through exercise and technique practice. However, I am more excited about being part of this beautiful work than I am concerned about failing.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
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