Most days are not made up of that. I mean, things happen, good and bad, every day. Today my friend Nicole called me out of the blue because she had some air time and chose to spend it on me! Did it brighten my heart and give me warm fuzzies? Yes. Did I go back to trying to exercise with my brood of children and start feeling junky again? Yes. But that little act of love is now in me and will be drawn upon when I am about to drown.
Yesterday I was so grouchy. My son had a Dr. appointment and after grumpily getting everyone there safely and yelled at, I tried to distract myself in the office by picking up a book. Know what I found?
The girls and I laughed at the funny pictures of all the animals and recognized ourselves in them. The girls said that I was like the Warthog... uh, yep.
The day before that I had probably dealt out one (or ten) too many spankings. When I am in a bad place, I spank. My kids sometimes put a hand up in defense if I'm getting upset. This makes me lose it with myself even more.
I have followed enough blogs, read tons of material, and talked to enough women and therapists to know I am not alone in this fight. If you can relate to anything I'm writing, please get help. I love therapy because it gives me the tools to fight the ravenous person that takes me over when I'm anxious or depressed. Before getting therapy there was no hesitation before acting, to reflect on the weight of what I was about to say, scream, or hurt into my children. Now there is, I don't always heed that moment and have cause to repent daily, habit is hard to break. But the fact that reason is coming back into my being on a more usual basis means progress.
**If you have not experienced these things, please have compassion for us who do. It is a very real fight. I can't count how many times people tell me, "just stop it." Well, it's a high speed train carrying tons of weight and won't stop on a dime. I am doing it. I have invoked the all encompassing powers of the Atonement and am being trained to stop and choose a better course of action.
It is hard and sometimes I wonder if I have made any real change. Overall, I know I have. Some days I am tired of the effort. But those are the days, like today and yesterday and the day before that I just have to bite the bullet and tell myself that I can slow down on my check list and that the most important thing is that my kids and I make it through the day having successfully navigated my and their emotional needs for that day.
This is real. This is why I blog about depression and anxiety. This is not a how-to during the post depression period. I'm in the thick of it. And I am telling you that I'm going to make it out alright, it's just that right now. It's a very real, very hard uphill battle.
As a side note, I have not slept well for a week and a half. Illnesses, teething and insomnia. I think there is a huge correlation there.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
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