When do you feel you receive revelation or insight into your own life?
I feel so much joy and peace over the insights I've had today. Yes, I said JOY! I haven't felt that for a while.
A friend of mine posted the call for someone to paint a large Mandala on their wall at The Loft. I automatically felt drawn to the project and began doodling. I doodled 6 different ideas in two days. I love art, so liberating. I could get lost in creating these beautiful circles, they are like your soul is pouring itself out on paper.
mandala by: Kristen Hinz
I've been breathing deeply as I doodle and meditating on the motion of my designs. I guess I've just felt grounded by them.
Today I saw a question posted by a peer in a discussion forum I participate in. She asked if anyone could relate to the shame talk and guilt she felt over a decision to work while she still has young kids. I answered out of intuition and ended up with some revealing advice to myself about my children and the daily struggles I have with mothering them. Here's my response to her-
I am learning this: Your children won't be children forever. But not in the way you might think. My children need to know two things- Mommy and Daddy love them and Heavenly Parents love them. There is a multitude of ways to learn that. Your children are going to grow up and follow their own path. At the end, I believe that we will be asked if we learned to love them no matter what and if we learned to love ourselves, as God does. That means, did you develop yourself as a Goddess? Or do we simply bury our talents while we raise children? There is a multitude of ways to do this as well, but I don't want to digress. Yes, I have felt the sting of shame talk, whether generated by my overactive imagination or guided by cultural undertones, that shame can feel so real. But it isn't who you are. Your children will learn so much from you when you love them and are true to who you are. Part of who you are may be developed or emphasized through work. I am much more patient with my kids when I am working. Something about spending time problem solving in adult settings makes it easier to break that down for them at home.
I seriously get so caught up in meeting my own standard of parenthood, doing everything "by the book" to ensure that my kids are compassionate, strong-willed, intelligent, seekers of good, etc.
***News Flash***
There is no book to go by. I responded to her and then sat re-reading the response and realized that I may be getting in my own way. Sometimes my kids probably don't know that I love them when I'm a hot mess because I didn't discipline as I 'should have' or when I get mad at myself for spending time drawing a mandala instead of making dinner. The rage/anger/anxiety that flows from me when I didn't do what I 'should have' done is palpable and I'm sure pushes sentiments of love out the window. Do my kids starve? No. Did we eat dinner late? Yes.
I want to allow the peace and calm I felt while drawing exude any other feeling. My kids want to know why I spent time doing that if I was just going to be angry afterward. The next day while I drew, I got them paper too. Sofia stayed and drew a story. When she was hungry, she let me know and we both put down our pencils and ate something. So I learned something, I could allow my joys, talents, and hobbies describe me organically rather than feel shame because I don't fit the perceived mold for moms. I could be true to myself and still be a good mom.
Huh, go figure.
In other news, we have an appointment Saturday to review our 601A application with our Consultant before submitting again. I could be taking time to finalize all the last details, but I decided that the true me needed to outlet on social media and on my blog.
Be true to you- you, your family, and society depend on it.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
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