Triggers

Meditation is a practice ground for the real world.  It is a tool that you use to begin to know your mind and your being in all senses.  In doing so you practice patience and love toward whoever your being is.  This is the guide/training ground for how you would like to handle your triggers.

Triggers are those things that easily beset you.  Today I would like to tell you what some of my triggers are and possibly embarrass myself.  But vulnerability leads to better understanding and courage.

******SIGH******

Deep Breath, let it out.  Breathe in, 1. Breathe out, 2.  I have discovered that I am anxious because I want to be in control of my life.  Completely.  But who learns to swim with one foot still on the ground?

Areas in my life that easily beset me are finding babysitters for my children, being late, and not having a successful bedtime regimen.  These may sound silly but they are also all intertwined.  If we don't sleep well at night, I'm late getting up which then explodes in massive domino effect.  So then if something goes awry with, let's say, babysitting, I am left with basically two seconds to figure it out.  Nigh impossible.

These stressors cause so much havoc in my life.  I work for various reasons.  It gives me time to think and act like a grown up without children, gives them a chance to see that other people may or may not also be crazy, it currently is helping me pay off debt, and it allows opportunity for me to grow as a creative outlet.  However, it nearly undoes me to feel that my efforts are for not. 

As I've meditated I've come to realize that those are my triggers and are the moments that I lose any sense of reason.  I yell, cry, sob, because I am angry that I have lost control of something that wasn't really mine to control in the first place - like other peoples lives/time.  But then, almost as instantly as my tantrum begins, it turns into a tantrum based in shame.  I am deeply ashamed that I do not control myself, my emotions, and my reactions to bedtime, being late, and child care.  And because shame is not a motivator as guilt could be, I spiral into raging fits of belittling myself and/or my children. 

Brene Brown teaches that shame says, You aren't worthy. You aren't good enough. You aren't, you aren't, you aren't.  While guilt says, Oh, I made a mistake or a bad decision.  I am going to fix it.

Do you see that?  Not only does the motivation change, but the speaker.  It went from Second person to first person.  So rather than listen to someone else dictate my thought process while triggers are pulled, I am learning through meditation to call the shots.  Today was a success.

For several reasons, all three of my triggers were pulled. In the middle of my panic attack, I was able to kindly redirect myself.  Usually automatic thoughts come flying from my mouth or just permeate my body until all sense or kindness leaves me.  Today, I said, "We are ok.  We can be a little late.  We have babysitting figured out.  Heavenly Father showed us He provides. We are ok."  Sofia noticed right away that I was creating a difference and she said it with me, We are ok.

It wasn't the cleanest or gentlest redirect but I did it!

Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales