I have had laryngitis for three days now. It has caused deep reflection on what I say to my children, my husband, and how I say it.
The anxiety I have felt in my life has reflected itself in various ways over the years. When I was a teenager and had experienced some life altering hardships, I hyperventilated often. At first, it was the only thing my body could do to exude EVERYTHING that was happening inside of my mind and emotions. It was just all too much. After a while though, when I felt I was beginning to get a handle on things but would still hyperventilate, I think I feared the pain and helplessness of the panic attack more than anything. Which of course only made the episode come on much faster and last longer. It hurts you know, your lungs feel like they will explode, your muscles like they will snap, and your skin like you've been stuck with needles in every pore.
During that time doctors had me take a lot of tests: iron levels, sugar levels, etc. But they also had me do survey type things to see if I was depressed. Depression never was the conclusion.
Other times in my life, I felt like I had a lot of control over me and my situations- i.e. college. I didn't hyperventilate, or have panic attacks as often and life seemed to blossom. I had a lot of classes that forced me to look at my life objectively and analyze it. After my mission, I didn't panic at all. I felt so much freedom and capability. Though I would say my anxiety still showed through in small ways at the time. In dance classes I was often critiqued as never fully releasing- "Let your head go, release your neck! Release the energy." You have to have a certain balance of centering/core and release in dance. If everything is tight you will seize up and it makes ongoing turns impossible and your leaps just don't seem as gravity defying because your holding that final upward breath back.
Now my anxiety is vividly returning by way of anger, impatience and silent fears. I experienced Postpartum Depression and it unlocked that hidden box of anxiety. I always used to say that if I was upset, sad or stressed it was ok to feel the emotion. But I never really experienced it in a healthy way. I would lock things into boxes and then they would explode out of me when they surpassed their limits.
I am currently seeing the difference between anxiety and depression. Shortly after my son's birth I felt like a black cloud lived in my being. How do you shoo it away without shooing yourself away? I thought I couldn't. It infuriated me that I was out of control. I often felt like I was having out of body experiences as I found myself screaming at my children, scaring them. Afterward I plagued myself with shame. How could I do this to my children? Why can't I control my emotions? Well, it is because anxiety reigns in my head.
I am currently learning the art of Meditating. As mentioned in my previous post my paradigm is shifting. I am practicing allowing thoughts to float by like clouds. Or fall like leaves to the ground, and if they are malicious I watch them fall into a creek and float away (harder said than done).
Well, this has been magnified these last few days. My biggest struggle in an anxious state is that when I am feeling it strongly I tend to clam up while thoughts yell in my head, or I simply do not filter any thoughts and they come shooting out in raucous yelling and anger. Because I am unable to yell or hardly speak at this time, I feel like my mind is winding into a silence I have never known.
The anxiety has allowed anger, frustration, and impatience to have its way. But it hurts too much to try to yell. So I haven't. I take a deep breath and look at my approach. Does what I have to say need to be yelled? Most likely not. I find myself yelling when the girls fight, but they need a breath. They need a role model, do I have to be perfect? No. But I do have to take the time to catch the appropriate thoughts as they fall and let anything else float by.
Con mucho amor,
~Anna K. Morales
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